Category Archives: bad movies

104 Bloody Mischief

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104 Bloody Mischief Another week has passed. Skullard and Luka watch TV and complain. There’s a lot of funny stuff on TV starring super smart villains and sexually promiscuous super-heroes. Oh, Arrow! There’s also a really loud lady downstairs and vindictive shaves of paper trying to cut Luka to bits. Cheer up, Luka! Just put a little ketchup on it and head on down to the mall for a slumber party – with SANTA CLAUS!

Almost a hundred years ago, The Axeman began chopping heads in the city of New Orleans. It is true. To prove that he was a scary as everyone thought, The Axeman even wrote a letter to the police which was published in a newspaper. Shockingu!

Hell, March 13, 1919

Esteemed Mortal:

They have never caught me and they never will. They have never seen me, for I am invisible, even as the ether that surrounds your earth. I am not a human being, but a spirit and a demon from the hottest hell. I am what you Orleanians and your foolish police call the Axeman.

When I see fit, I shall come and claim other victims. I alone know whom they shall be. I shall leave no clue except my bloody axe, besmeared with blood and brains of he whom I have sent below to keep me company.

If you wish you may tell the police to be careful not to rile me. Of course, I am a reasonable spirit. I take no offense at the way they have conducted their investigations in the past. In fact, they have been so utterly stupid as to not only amuse me, but His Satanic Majesty, Francis Josef, etc. But tell them to beware. Let them not try to discover what I am, for it were better that they were never born than to incur the wrath of the Axeman. I don‘t think there is any need of such a warning, for I feel sure the police will always dodge me, as they have in the past. They are wise and know how to keep away from all harm.

Undoubtedly, you Orleanians think of me as a most horrible murderer, which I am, but I could be much worse if I wanted to. If I wished, I could pay a visit to your city every night. At will I could slay thousands of your best citizens, for I am in close relationship with the Angel of Death.

Now, to be exact, at 12:15 (earthly time) on next Tuesday night, I am going to pass over New Orleans. In my infinite mercy, I am going to make a little proposition to you people. Here it is:

I am very fond of jazz music, and I swear by all the devils in the nether regions that every person shall be spared in whose home a jazz band is in full swing at the time I have just mentioned. If everyone has a jazz band going, well, then, so much the better for you people. One thing is certain and that is that some of your people who do not jazz it on Tuesday night (if there be any) will get the axe.

Well, as I am cold and crave the warmth of my native Tartarus, and it is about time I leave your earthly home, I will cease my discourse. Hoping that thou wilt publish this, that it may go well with thee, I have been, am and will be the worst spirit that ever existed either in fact or realm of fancy.

The Axeman

Whee! What fun it is to play in the water with surfboards and dolphins and crap like that. Let’s all enjoy some Aqua Frolics (1950)!

From Skullard’s Postcard Collection: A “bantam weight” portable (36 1/2lbs light) with all the picture punch of a console. Transformer powered 17 tube hand wired chassis delivers 25 tube performance. 17″ short neck 110″ picture tune for briefcase slim styling. White gloves not included.
electrohomecourier

095 Om Nom Nom

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KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK! It’s time for another thrilling episode of What Could Go Wrong! Are you excited? KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK! We’re going to give you some of your favorites this week, like Time To Learn and KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK! um, and one of Luka’s Bad Movie Reviews! KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK! You’ll also hear Skullard sing KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK! I SAID, you’ll also hear Skullard sing about one of our newest favorite products and KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK! and then we’ll KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK! Oh, for fuck’s sake’s! How hard is it to remember your godamn keys?! KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK!

Luka’s Bad Movie Review returns this week with Sharknado, SyFy Channel’s desperate attempt to syphon off viewers from both the Weather and Discovery Channels without actually offering anything either audience would like. This movie isn’t going to teach you anything new about sharks except they can survive outside the water longer than you’d guess, can bite through anything but a rope they happen to be climbing and are surprisingly aerodynamic. It also won’t teach you anything new about tornados unless you consider dispersing them with homemade bombs new information. The CGI is relentless and hokey, continuity is like a tossed salad with peas and Altoids, and the acting suggests that the production budget included a postage meter for everyone who decided to mail it in. On the upside, who knew that retired surfers had such a strong sense of responsibility toward their fellow man? So grab your +2 Barstool of Bludgeoning and watch the trailer for Sharknado, and you’ll believe a shark can fly. Or be flung. Or plummet at the very least.

Did we go on enough about Steve’s Onion and Garlic Pepper Sauce? Not nearly enough? In that case, click on the banner to learn more about the “It’s made for the flavor” pepper sauce that “just tastes great”!

Since you haven’t had an educational short to educate the heck out of you in quite a while, Luka offers The Adventures of Junior Raindrop (1948)! Be amazed as an unwilling young raindrop takes his first trip to mother Earth, only to begin a horrible life of sadistic crime. Why did he change his alignment? I’ll give you a hint; it’s all YOUR fault.

From Skullard’s Postcard Collection: Hot enough for ya?

079 Little By Little

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This episode of What Could Go Wrong will astound you! Learn about identity theft, blasphemous toilet paper, and stupid individuals filled with violent rage. Skullard pays off his student loans, while Luka recounts a scary story about her time alone at a truck stop burger shack. Your mind will boggle, and you may become hungry for pizza.

This week’s bad movie is The Hands of a Stranger (1962), a screwy little film about an arrogant piano player who gets a bizarre hand transplant and starts to go crazy. He may have been a little crazy anyway, so it’s not a long trip. Please enjoy some murderous clips as he “accidentally” kills his slutty girlfriend and a cheerful little boy. You know… like you do.

Network television has decided to take two of the most iconic killers of filmdom and piss on them by making prequals. A&E, usually the most trusted name in TV drama, is going to give us chibi-Norman with its Bates Motel. Let me guess: is Joan from Mad Men going to check in and take a shower? Actually, I’d tune in to watch that.

And then NBC wants to serve us up a whole new Hannibal, the very idea of which is hard to stomach. Why? Seriously, NBC, why change a classic recipe? Rather than remix, what say you just stick to what you know we already have a taste for, i.e. Grimm.

Life gets easier for a happy family when they decide to share the housework. Doesn’t that sound fun maybe? Whee! Please enjoy today’s bonus educational short; Sharing Work At Home (1949)!

From Skullard’s Postcard Collection: I’m pretty sure this is the first postcard I ever bought that I looked at and said, “Hmmm, I should get more of these.” Postcards, I meant, not brains. But this picture from the Cornell Brain Institute does prove that postcards aren’t the craziest thing to collect. I got this card back when I was in college and I retained it, which is more than I can say about the things I learned in college. Okay, I do remember one thing I learned: don’t date the first girl who’s willing to date you. You tend to remember the lessons you learn the hard way. Then again, just because you forget things doesn’t mean you don’t end up paying for them for the next 20 years. Could have been worse though; I could have gotten that chick pregnant and I’d still be paying for it today. So let this be a lesson to you, kids: postcards and vasectomies . . . two investments that truly pay off in the long run.

075 Your Name Here

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Have you ever ran naked on a stranger’s roof? Have you ever dumped the contents of a vacuum before having warning shots fired over your head? Have you ever been tasered after rubbing children’s laundry on your face? Well, what have you been doing with your life, loser? Maybe it’s time you started listening to those voices from the internet. Maybe it’s time you stuffed Satan in a bottle, stuck it in your book bag, and stike out into the world like a bold member of Seal Team Six. Live a little. Offer a dollar to one stripper, then give it to a whole different stripper. Provoke a healthy dialogue. Light 27 metric tons of goat cheese on fire in a tunnel. Be the first on your block to do so! Life is such a fleeting specter; embrace the chaos of existance while you still have breath. Damn the consequences! Full steam ahead! What Could Go Wrong?*

Calling this little person “Sinful” is understating it just a tad. The Sinful Dwarf (1973) stitches together our shameful ill-ease for the diminuitive with the natural repulsion we feel for sexual victimization of the vulnerable. In other words, izza larf riot! Jack Black’s shrunken doppleganger lurches and lears his way through this exploitation flick, wringing his hands and chortling like the pint-sized second coming of Snydley Whiplash. Bare bodies abound in this debauched bordello, run by the S.D.’s mother, a sloppy chanteuse who hooks hotties on heroine before chaining them in the attic to serve as sexual punching clowns. Whee! Not really so much of a horror film as a horrific one. Here’s the trailer, because really, you weren’t planning on sleeping tonight, were you?

Sweetie wants to take you to lunch with the brand new credit card she got in the mail. Looks real enough to her. It even has a special space for her name!

Netflix is premiering it’s brand new series House of Cards on February 1st. And it has Kevin Spacey in it. What else do ya have to know?

Jonathan Coulton got hosed by Fox. Glee ripped off his arrangement of “Baby Got Back” note for fucking note. But now he’s re-released the song and is donating the proceeds to charity! Go JoCo! Pick up the single, enjoy a great tune, and help restore credit where credit is due.

Watch this educational short. Watch it carefully. Did Bob steal, or didn’t he? Would you rat him out, or wouldn’t you? Are you going to gossip about it, or keep your gob shut? Find out by viewing How Honest Are You (1950);

From Skullard’s Postcard Collection: This card is called “The Cheesemakers” which may make you think they’re blessed, but really they don’t know Jack. They may look like Farmers and they might have Feta Goat or two, but these Curds are far from Sharp and thick as a Brick. No one gives Edam about their mindless Cheddar. Havarti tell you about the time he Fontina and Brie doing a Four In One which made Hubbertson Bleu. Ricotta story about Loraine on his Lappi swears is true. “Oh Gouda, looks like I Gruyere Muenster Longhorn there,” she giggled. “Get off me ya Laughing Cow,” he yelled, if you can believe him. That kind of story’s hard to Provolone. I could String together more of these Singles stories Tillamook lost his Marble, but I have to get back Toma Precious Swiss Loleta.

Behind the Scenes: an actual production note.

* Whatcouldgowrongpodcast.com is not responsible for reckless, idiodic behavior on the part of it’s readers or listeners. We don’t want any trouble. You fuck up, that’s your own look out. In fact, we don’t even know you. We don’t clean up the messes of fucking nit-wits. Do what you need to do and leave us out of it. Asshole.

074 Surrender Or Die

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In the year 1529, Count Alfonse Piertro Maggiano marched his army to surround the Tuscan village of Pernatucci and lay siege to it. Using his superior force to cut the hamlet off from outside supplies and access to the river, the Count gave the frightened townsfolk a simple choice: “Surrender or die.” Pernatucci’s mayor, Guiseppi D’Angelini came out from the city’s meager walls to negotiate with Count Maggiano.

“Really? Surrender or die, huh? No third option?”

“C’mon, ya kiddin’ me? Yer fucked. Give up already.”

“Why ya gotta be like that? ‘Or DIE!’ ya sez. Don’cha think that’s a bit over the top?”

“Look, how often does a guy get to say that in life? I mean, here I am, sittin’ pretty, and yer all hosed. I’m grabbing life by the short and curlies, my friend. I’m living the dream. So fuckin’ surrender or goddamn die, them’s your options.”

“Okay, okay, you’ve had your little moment, right? You got to deliver your line. I’m glad you’re happy. Now how ’bout spreading a little of that joy and letting up just a bit, huh? I mean, c’mon, we’ve got what? Four, maybe five cows? A nice fountain? My friend Tony makes a comfy boot. Is that what you want? You wanna kill a bunch of country rubes for some quality footwear?”

“I didn’t know you guys made boots.”

“Just Tony. He tried to get his kid to join the business but da little shit ran off ta Paloma to chase skirt.”

“Yeah, that’ll happen. I spent a year or two in Paloma. Some really choice tail.”

“Good fer you. Look, Alfie . . . can I call you Alfie? No? Okay, Your Countness then. Look, we gots jack shit. We would’ve just moved da whole town a couple of years ago, but, y’know, some of us have pets and you just can’t uproot a cat like that, y’know what I mean?”

“I got no idea the fuck you’re talking about. Would ya just give up already?”

“Sorry man, can’t swing it. You’re gonna hafta kill us.”

“Tell ya what . . . how ’bout we say ‘Death or cake’?”

“What, you shitting me? You some kinda transvestite comedian now? Yer offerin’ us cake?”

“No, yer gonna give ME cake. Me and my boys. Really big, really nice cake. Then I let ya live, how about that?”

“My dear Count . . . I’m only gonna say this once: you can have my cake when ya pry it outta my cold dead ass.”

“You sure there ain’t someone else in town I can talk to?”

“Want me to send out Tony?”

“Yeah, you do that. And tell ‘im ta bring me something in a 9-D.”

The cobbler Antonio Stefina only made boots for sizes 12 and up and couldn’t bake a cake to save his life, as it turned out. Not even a cobbler, which was ironic. To this day, the Pernatucci fountain is all that remains of the little village. A plaque on the fountain encourages the reader in bold letters: NEVER GIVE UP! No one’s sure why it’s written in English.

Brainiac (1962) brings the art of arching an eyebrow to a whole new level. Baron Vitelius is one bad ass S.O.B. He’s got witchcraft. He’s got da bitches. He’s got some goo-goo-googly eyes. It’s no wonder the Inquisition has to put this guy to death. But does the Baron go quietly into that good night? Aw, hellz no! Just as he’s being burned at the stake he hitches a ride on a comet and travels through space until he can swing back around three centuries later to exact vengence on the decendants of those who didn’t even kill him to begin with. Reasonable, right? Oh yeah, and he’s a brain-sucking monster now. And rich. Apparently, just before hopping that comet, he put a nickle in his savings account and through the miracle of compound interest he comes back to a fortune. How do you defeat a magical moster with a hankerin’ for headcheese? Find out in this Pretty Good Unintentionally Mexican Bad Movie. Here’s a trailer:

Cheesecake Factory’s Bistro Shrimp Pasta has 3,120 calories, 89 grams of saturated fat, 1,076 milligrams of sodium and comes with a side of Type 2 diabetes.

Another of the C.F.’s high-risk favorites is the Crispy Chicken Costoletta with the same amount of calories as an entire 12 piece bucket of KFC and double the fat. But unlike the KFC bucket, no one expects you to share your Costoletta.

Maggiano’s Little Italy has a Chocolate Zuccotto Cake that weighs one pound per slice and is the equivilant of 15 Hostess Ho Hos. The village of Pernatucci was destroyed to acquire the recipe for this cake.

Johnny Rockets’ Bacon Cheddar Double Hamburger has more calories than three of McDonald’s Quarter Pounders. Instead of a side of fries, it should come with a waiver.

I understand you have an unusual pencil, Jim. I’d like your advice. There are a great many individuals around here, and they’re all growing up. I’ve been watching them. Sometimes they act like children. How the hell old are you really? It’s time to find out by viewing this week’s educational short; Act Your Age (1949)!

From Skullard’s Postcard Collection: Yep, this is an exploitive souvenier postcard from a long-ago side show act. But now, it might as well be the family photo sent out with the yearly Christmas card. Take a good look: none of these professional chubs would garner a second glance if you saw them at the Sam’s Club, would they? Now we see the freak show every day.

072 A Sign In The Yard

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Please open your hymnals to hymn number 286: “I Surrender All”.
All to you guys I surrender,
All to you I freely give,
I will ever be what you want,
For acceptance daily live.

I surrender aaaaaaaaall, I surrender aaaaaaaaall,
I will be just what’s expected . . . I surrender all.

All to this church I surrender,
I’ll do anything to fit,
Never mind what God has made me,
Without church I’m worthless shit,

I surrender aaaaaaaall, I surrender aaaaaaall,
Who I am inside means nothing . . . I surrender all.

Oh no! This week’s Bad Movie vividly depicts axe murders! Also chicken and hog farming! And there’s a dairy in there somewhere. And if that doesn’t scare you, learning about what a bitchy diva Joan Crawford was probably will. Luka enjoys the Good Unintenionally Bad Movie Strait-Jacket (1964)! (Please take it easy. Have a glass of milk. It’ll relax you.)

Behold the infamous Kitty-Net! Hello Kitty’s catch-phrase is, “You can never have too many friends,” and we intend to test the limits of that theory. HIDDEN PUZZLE! One of these things is not like the others. Can YOU find the hidden alien thing?


Luka is world champion of “Hello Kitty Cafe” . . . for the moment. Might as well document he #1 standing while we can.

Luka just plays HK Cafe for funzies, but make no mistake: Kitty is in it to win it!

Once again, Kevin MacLeod goes for the epic sound in this brand new offering for 2013.

Why take care of your own pet if someone else will do it for you? Why struggle with your lessons if you can get Dad to help? This is an easy way to get by. Please observe as befuddled teenagers realize just how useless they are with this week’s educational short; Developing Self-Reliance (1951)!

From Skullard’s Postcard Collection: Yes, they do mean every Sunday. You don’t want to miss a single offering, er, service. And do note the “faithful unto death” reference at the bottom. That’s the evangelical version of a “soft sell”.

071 This Is Not Fake

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DO NOT IGNORE THIS OR YOU WILL DIE! Continue reading, because if you don’t you will suffer the full consequences of death even if you just clicked this link hoping to see boobs. In 1973, on or about the date of May 23rd at 7pm a little girl was killed at 4:15. She was beaten to death with a broken clock. A man jumped out of the sewer and murdered the girl and killed her also. What I’m saying is she’s dead, Jackson, and her name was Eve. The man from the sewer then threw Eve into the sewer and no one knew what happened to her until a very sick boy in the hospital began asking for more soup. The nurses knew the boy must be haunted because they had tasted the soup, so they threw him in the mental ward until he was 18. On his 18th birthday, his parents died of boredom and when the staff told the boy who’s name was Rancid Pete what had happened to his parents, he said, “Eve did it.” They let him out the next day, and with his brand new birthday knife he began killing everyone who doesn’t post this link to 10 other websites in the next 20 minutes. If you share this with 10 websites in the next five minutes, a hooker will come to your door and blow you for a doughnut. If you’re a woman, she’ll give you a crumb cake and you don’t have to do anything for it unless you really, really want to, it’s up to you, no pressure. If you post this to 10 other websites in two and a half minutes, you’ll receive 2 dozen friend requests on Game Center. THIS IS NOT FAKE! DO NOT BREAK THE CHAIN! Lucy Albimowitz of Rock Creek, NM got scared and didn’t pass this on to anybody and no one’s heard of her until now! Arlen Dempsey broke the chain and wound up having to blow Rancid Pete for a doughnut AND dying! If you break the chain you will see a dead little girl in your bedroom tonight who won’t be Eve but some other kid and who do you think you are that you deserve Eve herself, huh? She’s busy. And she’d make your room smell like sewer, so count your blessings and introduce yourself to the dead kid in the next 53 minutes and she’ll either say “I love you,” or “I’m sorry,” which we’re guessing you don’t get to hear much either way due to the relationship problems you’ve been having from breaking chains like this one. But if you’re feeling lucky . . . well, go ahead Mr. Daredevil and don’t share this with anybody. You’re so smart, you don’t believe any of this, do you? Ignore it all, What Could Go Wrong? Rancid Pete didn’t believe either . . . until he did!

A boy and a girl run away from a fun fair. A boy and a girl and a bunch of other idiots. A boy and a girl in a haunted zombie time warp. A boy and a girl in a what the fuck is this crap? Shake it up, shake it up, ooh, that’s the recipe for this film. That’s the recipe for Bloody New Year (1987).

Here the owner of Lyndon’s Soda Fountain shows a couple of the candy cigarettes that brought the heat down on her. So you can’t sell such corrupting wares in St. Paul, MN. But, if you have eleven bucks for 24 packs, Amazon will send ’em right to your door, so no worries kids!

So a dentist sexually harasses an attractive employee and even sends her a lewd text message before his wife finds out. So what does he do, apologize? Nah, just fire the lady. I mean, it’s all her fault, right? That’s what the Iowa Supreme Court said: Being irresistable is a firing offense. On the upside, a number of patients are finding it easy to resist giving this prick any more business.

What did Santa bring Skullard for Christmas? Dirty books, of course! Does Skullard have the coolest wife or what?

If you could go back in time to warn your past self about something deeply important, what time of your life would you choose? What topic would you discuss? What’s that? Did you say… proper dining etiquette? That’s right! Little Chuck’s teenage self travels into the past to teach his childhood doppleganger how to make a good impression during meals. And to make things even jollier, they both wear the same stupid holiday sweater. Please learn a lot from this week’s educational short; Good Table Manners (1951)!

From Skullard’s Postcard Collection: I heard some throw-away joke back when I was a kid that went something like, “You know everybody’s getting it on on New Year’s Eve, because nine months later, it’s Labor Day.” I never forgot it because math jokes are funny 98% of the time. I’m reminded of the line when I look at these two party-goers. Just look at her, dancing with her boyfriend, having a great time. Poor kid. All you have to do is look at the lecherous expression on that boy’s face to know he intends to pluck more than just the daisies in little miss pixie-cut’s hair. But wait, there’s something off here . . . is that a ring on the girl’s finger? And on the left hand too! This skanky wench is married! I knew that lip stick was a bit too whorish. But you might be saying, “Hold on, Skullard! How do you know that Brylcreemed lothario with the goofy overbite isn’t her faithful husband?” Because they’re at a dance, and no American douche-bag husband is going to dress up and buy tickets to something where he’ll have to sway and sweat and buy drinks in the hopes of getting marital nookie when he can sit at home and scratch himself on the couch and still coerce his better half into some reluctant act of passionless groin mechanics before the ball drops. Let’s face it, this girl’s slutting it up to grab herself a bit of side-boffing while hubby’s at home drinking cheap beer and watching Spike TV. And if you think that Bobby Overbite is the kind of dude who brings protection, think again. So come September, Daisy the Wonderwhore will be pushing out Bobby’s bastard while Joseph the Couch-Stricken cries into his Schlitz. But don’t they make a lovely couple?

070 Santa Is On My Hit List

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Ho ho ho ho! It is apparently the season to be jolly, fa la la la la, blah blah blah blah. What Could Go Wrong?, however, is too busy to prance about like Santa’s sissy reindeer. Skullard is working thirteen hour days six days a week, and Luka is going mad with insomnia. But even such horrid hinderences shall not stop an extra merry holiday podcast from flying through the internet and into your brains. Well, maybe not “extra merry”. More like “super ragey”. But it’s all good, right? So shut your yuletite holes and deck the fucking halls. Christmas time is here!

In this week’s Bad Movie Review, Luka pisses on Santa’s Slay (2005), a Lousy Intentionally Bad horror comedy starring former professional wrestler Bill Goldberg. The poor jokes and pointless violence eventually escalate to a terrifying curling match, which should not be seen to be believed. Seriously, this movie’s only worth about five minutes of your time. Or maybe not. Cross it off your list. It’s been naughty and disappointing.

“Hey Mum! Could you look in my drawer for my socks?”
“AIEEEEEEEE!”

“Hey, look Mommy! There’s a bird on the roof!”
“AIEEEEEEEE!”

Girl in the mail room: “Um, do we have a Henry Jones on faculty?”
Short Round: “You call him Doctor Jones, doll!”

Behold! A Christmas educational short, in which a lowly little tree with poor self esteem gets a holiday surpise – being murdered by a wood-cutter! Join in the no account fun with A Christmas Rhapsody (1948)!

From Skullard’s Postcard Collection: I think this card says it well. Have a fine holiday . . . despite everything.

068 There’s A Hole

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This just in: There’s a speck on the flea on the tail on the frog on the bump on the log in the hole in the bottom of the sea. Our crack team of experts are on location, braving the myriad dangers of deep sea exploration, trying to determine if there may be something on the speck. Meanwhile, a noted zoologist from Oslo has put forward the theory that the frog may not be a frog at all considering it’s able to withstand the immense, crushing pressure of the sea bottom, not to mention it has a fucking tail. A Mrs. Helen Torquette of Gorsen, KY claims the log is actually hers and was stolen some months ago by, in her words, “Them transients what park their RVs up the road next to Neta’s place. Never did trust the likes of them, and now they done took my log.” Deputy Alan Morse disputes Mrs. Torquette’s claim, stating, “Helen’s a damn nut. She’s still got her log. It’s propping up her husband Gary’s El Camino in their front yard. I doubt she’s missing any of her fleas either.” And Rev. Enoch Terse, pastor of the First Evangelical Free Congregational Four Cornered Church of the Fucked, has started an online petition to halt any removal of the log from the hole. “Dat log was put there by God Hisself!” explains Rev. Terse. “What God chooses ta plug up da sea with, man should never go and unplug. Can I get an AMEN? And what’s gonna happen iffin’ man, with his science and his pride, goes an’ unplugs the ocean? The sea, it’s gonna drain away! All the fishes is gonna go down the hole! We ain’t gonna got no sea, and we ain’t gonna got no fishes, and God’s blue ocean is gonna be gone! And what’s man gonna say? Is the science man gonna take responsibility that there ain’t no fish no more? No! He’s gonna say it’s global warmin’, the Devil’s own lie! We can’t let that happen, AMEN? Are we gonna let them touch one speck on one flea on one tail on one frog on one bump of that log? Great God Almighty, no!”

What Could Go Wrong? will continue to follow this story as it develops.

Luka gives two thumbs (and hooves) up to this week’s Good Intentionally Bad Movie, Black Sheep (2006). Have you ever wondered who would win the battle if sheep decided to turn on mankind? Find out, stupid! You can start by watching this exciting trailer:

Dazzling the stage with his prissy transformation comes Star Driver‘s Galactic Pretty Boy! Beware, or he’ll tjuzs you to death!

Minnesota’s Moon Rocks encased in a lucite globe. How the blazes do you lose MOON ROCKS, you entitled bitches!?!

In this week’s helpful educational short, a rotten kid and his scumbag friends throw rocks through windows. Was that a good thing to do, or a bad thing to do? Should the culprits be punished, or should their parents and pastors protect them from the consequences or their idiotic actions? You’ll be on the edge of your seat for Right or Wrong (1951)!

Once again, Kevin MacLeod provides the perfect soundtrack. Planning on a friendly bit of safe cracking or second-story work? Hit play, think sneaky, and get busy.

From Skullard’s Postcard Collection: Want to take a stab at challenging Luka’s mad skills on Hello Kitty’s Cafe? I suggest you start training now with this informative correspondence course. Buster, you’re going to need all the help you can get.

067 Freezing

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Here at What Could Go Wrong? we believe in climate change. Of more immediate importance though, at least to us, is climate control. We turn up the thermostat . . . and nothing happens. We jiggle the thermostat, still nothing. We take the casing off, fiddle with things we know not, and fuck all happens. We swear at it through chattering teeth and it just hangs there, heedless on the wall. Perhaps it’s frozen there? We know a thing or two about freezing ever since the heat went out. Not a word from the landlord; not a peep from the property managers. It’s like we’ve been left out on an ice flow, alone and forgotten. Luckily, the stove still works. Boiling water may be muggy and coat all the windows with condensation, but at least we’re not encased in ice. Oh, and soundboard’s working too, so that means we can keep ourself warm by working up a sweat over this latest episode. Hopefully by next week Demon Lord Dante studios (Demon Lord Dante?) will be habitable again. In fact, we’re sure it will! C’mon, what could go wrong? No, really . . . what?

Tormented (1960) is a great film about a rotten guy who shoves his mistress off a light house. Unfortunately for him, she comes back from her watery grave to nag him to death. That’s a helluva way to go . . . either time! This Good Unintentionally Bad Movie is one Luka has enjoyed many times. Let’s face it, the undead nattering of spurned harlots never gets old. Please enjoy this scene wherein Tom (that jerk!) takes the direct approach with Vi’s disembodied head that refuses to shut the hell up.

Don’t agree with our suggestion that Christmas is the holiday of Greed? Here’s some footage of Black Fridays past that may bolster our assertion. WARNING: this video contains disturbing images of people allowed to vote and have children.

Do the other kids invite you to their lunch table? Do you get invited to weenie roasts? Do you look well? ARE YOU POPULAR? Find out by watching this week’s Educational Short! Or don’t. What the fuck do we care? It’s not like you ever invited us to YOUR weenie roasts. We don’t even eat weenies, so who gives a shit? Think we give a crap about sitting at your lousey table? Fuck you.

From Skullard’s Postcard Collection: Geez, everybody’s getting a head this week.