Category Archives: odd news

058 It’s Always Billy

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Some people are afraid of going to the dentist, and depending on the enamel-drilling psychopath you go to, that can be a reasonable fear. Other people are wigged out by spiders, the abundance of spiders, and the very real posibility that one could be lodged in your ear right this moment and what is that scratchy sensation, does anybody else hear that rustling sound? Snakes are a classic cause of fear, but once they bite you, what’s left to be scared about? Might as well bite the little fuckers back! Fear of flying is rapidly being replaced by a healthy fear of airports, which makes the term “Airport Security” our newest oxymoron. Of course, the ultimate fear we all deal with is the fear of death, but we avoid that by never talking about it or even bringing it up because we don’t have to considering all the marvelous distractions we surround ourselves with like TV, podcasts, the mail, and cell phones in the bathroom. What were we talking about? Doesn’t matter, nothing to be scared of here. What Could Go Wrong?

In 1984, a production company was at a crossroads. Due to poor management and a few tough breaks, Film Ventures International was on the skids. They needed a break, and the company president Edward L. Montaro knew that if they could make one blockbuster hit movie, the whole enterprise could be saved. And so they made Mutant, a film in which a chemical company in a backwoods, hick town turns the local yokels into puss-oozing zombies. Securing the services of the handsome *cough* Wings Houser as the intrepid hero, the film tells the harrowing tale of two brothers running afoul of everything from Southern stereotypes, monsters under the bed, evil scientists, undead school kids, and banana pudding. How could this movie miss? Suffice it to say that it did to the extent that Luka brands it a Lousy Unintentionally Bad Movie, and that Mr. Montaro skipped town with the contents of the company safe and was never heard from again. Considering the man’s filmography, felony theft was the least of his crimes.

Help me, Wings Hauser! There’s something under the bed!!

BEHOLD! The most convincing monster transformation of all time…

“The Candy Lady” is a candy store in Albuquerque, NM that’s been supplying the set of Breaking Bad with it’s Blue Ice rock candy for several seasons. It’s better than the stuff Walter White makes, and only slightly less addictive. Feel free to order some before they’re shut down by the D.E.A.

Yet again, Sweetie has made another musical friend, and Skullard proves that he lacks all willpower when it comes to saying “No” to stringed instruments.

Remember, you filthy children, that when you’re sick the best course of action is to isolate yourself in your home. While you’re there, you can enjoy this week’s contagiously wonderful short; Sniffles and Sneezes (1955)!

Get your headphones on for this one, then knock on over to incompetech.com and hear some more of Kevin MacLeod’s amazing stuff!

From Skullard’s Postcard Collection: HERMOSA LABORATORIES “Where technology meets the sea.” Vanguard reseach and testing for potential bio-electrical uses of eels is one of the many efforts underway at Hermosa Laboratories. Never feel an eel without rubber gloves. (Wiser words were never spoken. – Skullard)

This episode is dedicated in loving memory of Andy McKonicle . . . or whatever that guy’s name is.

057 Without Umbrella

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With this installment of What Could Go Wrong?, we now have as many episodes as Heinz has varieties, which to us is significant. More significant, though, is the fact that you can still go back and listen to past episodes and sample their savory goodness, whereas with a certain condiment manufactuer, you can try the ketchup, mustard, some kind of steaky-saucey stuff, and then what? Where are the other 54 varieties Heinz? What have you done with them? Are they secreted away in shame, shambling about a cellar somewhere like some Boo Radley sandwich spread? Or are they kept out of the hands of the general public, reserved only for the flavorful enjoyment of the wealthy elite? What, are some of these condiments tailor made for the enhancement of certain endangered species a la The Freshman? Is that it? Are you merely using the majority of your condiments to curry favor with your friends in the one percent Heinz? How dare you! We common folk should have the same opportunities to dip our fries in your foie gras kicker paste or squirt Grey Wolf Poupon onto our hot dogs from a squeeze bottle as those hoity-toidy bastards at your country club/inner circle/coven/baby-eatery. And what condiment goes best with braised baby? I bet you know, don’t you Heinz? Although, wouldn’t that be funny if it turned out to be just mustard?

This week’s Bad Movie Review scrutinizes one of William Castle’s lesser-known but better acted gimmick films Homicidal (1961). It kicks off with a weird seduction of a bell-boy, a murder of a Justice of the Peace and a high-speed car chase sort of. You think, “Wow, this movie’s all action packed!” But then it settles down into some mere elder abuse (always entertaining) and the vandalism of a flower shop where the flowers never did nuthin ta nobody. Slick guys with goofy teeth and crazy blondes with sharp knives can’t be trusted, but how can we be expected to take the word of a woman named “Merriam Webster” fer chissakes? Luckily, this film gives you a chance to bail if you can’t take the mental pressure any longer. But be warned: if you take advantage of the “Fright Break”, you’ll miss the sight of granny going bowling! According to Luka, this is a Good Unintentionally Bad Movie with a shock-ingu twist that even Skullard didn’t see coming because he was tired.

Ya wanna see the big spoiler from Homicidal? Click right here, and get yourself out of the “Coward’s Corner”.

The True-to-life Walter White lacks quite a bit of Bryan Cranston’s charm. And facial symmetry. And apparently hygiene.

Grimm is back! We’re thrilled! Wanna catch up for Season Two? Here’s Season One in a nice little nutshell.

We also talked this week about an ultra-voilent, hyper-kenetic comedy from IFC called Bullet in the Face. Here’s a taste:

Alchemy Divine is an Etsy shop with beautiful handmade jewelry and snazzy cool things. Click this link and check ’em out! You’ll be surprised at what you find.

Hey, everyone! Don’t you want to live together safely and happily in social harmony? Then you’d better shut up and form a civic association! Please learn how by viewing this week’s educational short: Law and Social Controls (1949)!

From Skullard’s Postcard Collection: “Maison Marcel – Serving the most disciminating woman in the Nation’s Capital for half a century. Widest collection of real hair wigs, custom-made and ready-to-wear. Internationally renowned staff of creative hairstylists.” “It’s my favorite wig!” – Warren

Skullard took this picture on a dirt road on his delivery route. In the back woods, the bears and moose need to be warned.

056 Hither And Nyan

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Our first attempt at this episode was a dismal failure, as opposed to those light-hearted, optimistic failures you’ve come to know and tolerate. So, we tossed it. We gave up. We quit. We cursed ourselves as twats and peons and foul smelling vermin. Looking back, perhaps we were a triffle hard on ourselves. But then we visited cats, ate about a pound of Jo-Jos and watched the K-On! movie. Then somewhere, in our over-the-counter AND prescription drug accelerated slumbers, as the night sanded over the rough and pointy peaks of the previous day, iron re-entered our spines and strength infused our sinews. The lights in our eyes were re-kindled. Somehow resolve poured back into our fibers and we woke with with a new spring in our step and song in our hearts. We were bucked, quite bucked indeed. Caffeine helped as well. But we looked at each other and we knew . . . we had to try again. We were not quitters. As the anime lyric says, “We are never give up!” So we fired up the microphones, grabbed some baking soda, and doused the conflaguration. Then we just turned them on so we could record, and record we did, despite that acrid burnt foam smell. And here you have it: not the first attempt, but the one we enjoyed. We hope you enjoy it too and, with us, learn a valuable lesson: even when things go wrong, you can always start over and try again. You’re welcome for the free plug, divorce lawyers.

In Luka’s Bad Movie Review, an unlikeable couple, their whining daughter, and their short-lived poodle happen across a castle/shack, a weird hobo and the most terrifying ambiguous baddie of all – The Master! Manos: The Hands of Fate (1966) is a Lousy Unintentionally Bad Movie which features the dumbest henchman ever, and a very bizarre cat-fight. It also tends to repeat itself a little. Repeat itself a little. It repeats itself. A little. It also tends to repeat itself a little. Repeat repeat repeat itself a little.

There is no way out of here. But don’t worry. You can spend the night. Torgo will get your luggage.

The Master’s wives must make their decision. Man, yes. Child, no! Catfight! Catfight! Nyan! Nyan!

Please enjoy Rifftrax’s version of Manos, in theatres near you on August 16, 2012. The Master would approve!

“All Aboard! Ha ha ha!” Those are the words of Ozzy Osbourne. Thomas happily rolled his eyes. Then Thomas chugged while Mr. Osbourne continued to enchant us with his musical performance. There were many antics and non-lethal train wrecks to follow! Thomas crashed into snowbanks, ditches, barns and several of his companions. He tooted cheekily at Gordon! Gordon got cross. Later, in an unrelated incident, Gordon crashed into a wall. James got stuck on a turntable and became dizzy. A crate of treacle fell on Percy, much to his embarrassment. Bill and Ben taunted Boco until he became briefly insane from confusion. Filled with rage, Deisel broke his coupling and fell into a pit. A boulder chased Rusty, and crashed into a building which burst into flame. During these various occurances, the engines eyes googled and their mouths formed the shape of “O”s, signaling their distress. Luckily, no one was hurt. Thomas vanished over a sunsetty bridge into the distance while Ozzy’s enthusiastic tune came to a satisfying conclusion.

Strap a KittyCam on you kitty-cat and find out just how viscious and blood-thirsty you cuddly snuggle-wuggems is.

Welcome to Toad Suck, Arkansas, the most unfortunately named town in the U.S.A.! How it beat Dildo, New Foundland, we’ll never know.

Hey, loser! Don’t you want friends? Women? Money? Don’t you want to become socially acceptable? DON’T YOU? Then please learn from this week’s helpful educational short, Improve Your Personality (1951)!

Alchemy Divine is an Etsy shop with beautiful handmade jewelry and snazzy cool things. Click this link and check ’em out! You’ll be surprised at what you find.

From Skullard’s Postcard Collection: “The BURLINGTON DINER – 4183 SO. HALSTED ST. – CHICAGO, ILL. Since Nov. 27, 1939 *FAMOUS FO GOOD FOOD* Clean and Quick Service Telephone: VIRginia 9078 *THE BEST COFFEE IN TOWN* WE NEVER CLOSE” It’s been gone for years.

You didn’t see this. We didn’t talk about it. Go about your business.

055 Not Completely Satisfied

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For the record, here’s what you have to do:

1. Make a shot of espresso equaling between 1 and 1 1/2 oz. allegedly.

2. Steam 10 oz. milk, like you do.

3. Point your steam wand (YOU’RE a steam wand!) towards the bottom of that stainless steel pitcher you keep tethered to your belt-loop to steam your milk. To create froth, raise the tip just below the surface of the pitcher, or tell a nerd Alan Moore ain’t all that.

4. Pour hot milk in a 12-oz. glass until 3/4 full.

5. Pour the espresso shot into the steamed milk. The glass will now be more full. That’s science.

6. Dust with ground chocolate, cinnamon or nutmeg. Do not dust with dust. You should never leave anything on the counter that long.

There! You now know how to make a latte. You are now over-qualified to work at the coffee shop we go to. Can we come to your house?

1980’s Terror Train is a classic “You picked on me so now, years later, I’m going to kill all of you, one by one, at a party” movie. You would think a guy could get even with a simple flaming bag of dog poop on the door step, but no, it’s gotta be murder. That’s why you should never prank a med school student: they tend to be overachievers. Frat boys trick a nerd into almost getting in bed with a corpse, like they do, and the nerd goes flippo. Ha ha, very funny, but no one considers the feelings of the corpse, do they? Who’s the real victim here? Regardless, years later for a New Year’s party, the frat boys and friends rent a party train. Hey, who’s that conductor, Ringo Starr? Nope, it’s Flippo the Nerd ready to make up for all those dissection classes he missed while he was in the nut-house. Stabby-stabby-stab, screamy-screamy-scream, gag-choke-die. Revenge is pretty simple when all the assholes are stuck on a train with you and there are an unlimited number of disguises you can wear. Luka calls this a Good Unintentional Bad Movie because who hates trains, right? Terror or Thomas, trains are just good, wholesome fun. Toot-toot!

During our ride on Thomas, we passed many of his friends. These including ore boats, retired steamships, classic trains cars, and three trees worth of rotting babies. What the bloody hell?

The family of Aaron Collins have been fulfilling his last wish by going to restaurants and giving the people who wait on them $500 tips. People from all over the country have been donating to this wonderful tribute, and you can go to aaroncollins.org to learn more.

In this week’s thrilling educational short, a bunch of easily amused kids plan a swinging party, complete with a sing-a-long and a paper hat making contest! Wow! Let the good times roll with What Makes A Good Party (1950)!

Alchemy Divine is an Etsy shop with beautiful handmade jewelry and snazzy cool things. Click this link and check ’em out! You’ll be surprised at what you find.

From Skullard’s Postcard Collection: Our Loveliest Listener Janette sent me this great postcard which got mailed back in 1911. Believe it or not, that’s older than me, although the guy with the anchor in his britches is the spitting image of yours truly around the age of 20 or so. Not that I was in the habit of hanging around with blimps at that age, or getting high. I was a very down-to-earth lad in my day. And I was never so thrilled to get a wedgie as this dude seems to be. Still, that was back in 1911, so that may have been the only action he was going to see. Plus he’s dead now. I’m not. So, once again, I win!

054 It’s All Very Simple

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When did you learn where babies came from? Luka was only a little girl when her folks gave her “The Pop-Up Book of Reproduction.” POW! That penis came right at you! Skullard, on the other hand, ended up getting The Talk when he was a fifth grader at church. A sweaty, well-meaning youth minister somehow convinced the various parents that Sunday School was the best place for children to learn the rudimentaries of sex ed. Brave man, considering these days he would have been drawn and quartered for even suggesting to church kids that sex exists, much less how doggie style keeps the weight off the girl and allows deeper penetration. Of course, growing up as we did, there was no way either of us could have known the true realities of the intermingling of sperm and egg . . . and we still don’t. We opted out of the whole thing. Turns out, we didn’t need to know where babies came from, just where the contraceptives could be picked up. Once you know how to keep babies from showing up, it’s all very simple. And as the old acronym says, “Keep It Simple, Stupid!” Since we’re not constantly having to buy school supplies, small clothes and Lunchables, we have money to waste on toys for us. And since we don’t have to attend soccer games, teacher conferences or school programs, we can waste time by going to see Thomas the Tank Engine. Who needs a baby? We ARE the kids!

In 1980, Rory Calhoun said to himself, “Rory Calhoun, you’ve done enough of this standing and walking around business. You need to get out there and do something different. Something involving burying people up to their necks in dirt. Something where you can stick a pig on your head and have a chainsaw fight. You’ll never be able to live with yourself if you don’t. Plus, a check would be nice.” And so, Motel Hell came about. Treat yourself to this charming story of inbred cannibalism. In this Good Intentionally Bad Movie, Farmer Vincent has a great marketing plan for his backwoods motel: spiking the tires of hapless passers-by. Oops, need a place for the night? Why not stay here where you can rest and eat some of Vincent’s famous fritters? Mmmmm, tastes like chicken. What’s in ’em? Well, let’s just say “meat’s meat, and man’s gotta eat.” Take a little stroll through the back garden. Are those heads of lettuce? Nevermind. Say, when’s checkout around here?

“Lucky Larry” gets a lift out to sea from his pal and benefactor Don MacKenzie. “The most expensive lobster I never ate.”

A studio apartment with just ONE of these nasties would be too much. But Dylan Baumann lives with 40 of ’em!?! It’s hard to believe that the apartment shortage in Omaha is really this bad.

Just what every 13 year old boy needs: an unalterable body modification.

Oh! What happens when the groceries in the fridge and cupboard run out? How does one obtain more? Such an ordeal must be frought with dangers and rife with befuddling confusion, yes? No! Behold this week’s educational short; Buying Food (1950)!

From Skullard’s Postcard Collection: “Da hell ya doin’, ya numbskull? Da baby’s all wet now!”

“I’m marinatin’ him. Da hell youse t’ink I’m doin’, nimrod? I’m givin’ him a bat’.”

“You’se can’t wash off baby-stink. Here, let me sponge off da little monster. Youse been spongin’ offa me dis last few years, ’bout time I gets a toin.”

“Don’ get over-excited by his tonger-wubbly.”

“Dat’s his wang? I can’t believe it!”

“I knows, right? I ain’t seen one dat big in dis house fer years.”

“Youse a piece a shit, youse know dat? Miserable, dried-up slag.”

“Hey! Stop callin’ me slag in fronna da fuckin’ baby! I’m his mudder!”

“Geez, did he wizz in dere?”

Mmmmm . . . aebleskivers! This one’s for the ladies. Thanks, Myk!

053 Lotion For My Rash

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*Brrrrrrrr-Ring!*

“Hello? Hello-o? Goddamn it, HELLO!?!”

“Hello, is this Mr. Skullard?”

“I don’t want to buy anything.”

“My name is Denise, and I’m calling from your phone company?”

“You don’t sound sure about that.”

“Haha. I’m not sure if you’re aware that you could be saving a great deal every month with our great deal that we’re offering to a great deal of our customers a great deal of the time by calling a great deal?”

“We’re not interested.”

“Okay, but did you know that doesn’t matter to me and I’m going to keep talking about this new great deal anyway?”

“We’re not interested.”

“Alright, but are you aware I’ve been trained under penalty of death to ignore any statement that isn’t ‘Tell me more’ or ‘Sounds great, I’ll take it’?”

“I kinda guessed, but fuck you.”

“What?”

“You were supposed to ignore that. Let me speak to your supervisor.”

“No, please . . . we don’t have to get Mr. Robards involved.”

“Get him on the line, Denise.”

“Please! He . . . he hurts us . . .”

“I want Robards on the line now!”

“Oh please . . . *sniff* you can’t . . . *sob* I’ll do anything . . .”

“Anything Denise?”

“Anything you want, Mr. Skullard. If you want, I’ll . . . oh, wait, your credit card’s been declined.”

“Aw shit.”

“I’m sorry, but we can’t go on unless you have another card. We do charge $3.99 a minute after all.”

“That’s robbery!”

“Alright, but are you aware we now have a better rate that’s part of our new great deal -”

*click*

Stepping back again to that magic year of 1962, Luka’s Bad Movie Review embraces the love story that is The Brain That Wouldn’t Die. Isn’t it romantic when a man refuses to give up on love even when the woman he loves gets her head sliced off in a completely avoidable car accident that he himself was the cause of? It just makes you want to swoon. And not only does Mad Scientist Bill prove his love by animating his best girl’s head and keeping it alive against all pleas to the contrary, he also proves what a pragmatist he is by searching for shapely replacement bodies from among the skanks and hos of the local strip clubs. Because hey, if you’re going to give your wench a new body, why not pick out a custom model with high milage? Talk about the perfect boyfriend, right? But other than the value of considering the feelings of others, this film also teaches us that if you are reduced to nothing but a head sitting in a pie pan, you’re not completely out of options. Need to scratch your nose? You can always develop a psychic link to that living mass of discarded limbs living in the closet. This Good Unintentionally Bad Movie slams home the message that whatever your lot in life, you can always make things better through questionable bio-ethics.

Let’s forget about all that decapitated head nonsense for a few moments and watch two floozies catfighting. Mrrrrow!

More than 60,000 of these hazardous treats were confiscated at the boarder during 2011. Thank GAWD! Can you imagine what would happen if a child were to stick the entire egg in his mouth and not realize there was a sizable plastic object inside like it promises on the package? That child might choke to death . . . and the gene pool would be that much safer to swim in.

When life hands you a low-life scum of a cheating husband, make lemonade. Elle Zober used her husband’s scummery to help sell the house he walked out on. You can click the pic to visit her site, and if you feel like it, buy a magnet . . . or the house. We only had enough for a magnet.

Fools! Do you not realize that certified medical doctors are the only ones who can help you? Do not purchase silly talismans and remidies brewed from hooey! Please learn your lesson after observing this week’s bonus educational short, Quacks and Nostrums (1959)!

From Skullard’s Postcard Collection: “Mmmm, baby . . . you lookin’ fine in those white shorts . . . what say we put some grass stains on the back of those. Hmm? You wanna make some other stains? Ooo yeah, honey . . . push that mower. Push it way out ahead of you. Let’s you and me mix some plaid, huh? Mmm-hmm! Ass in the grass . . . you know I love how you mow.” Etc., etc. . . .

052 Watch Out For Snakes

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The dating site eHarmony now offers a free app to its customers that will generate a fake emergency call to your smart phone in order to give you an excuse to bail from a bad date. The Bad Date Rescue app is designed to get you out of an awkward, go-nowhere situation that eHarmony was all-too-happy to get you into. Bad connections through dating services are only one of the many horror stories you hear about when the internet and relationships intersect. There are worse things that happen, and we’re sure you can come up with at least five stories you know personally before even bringing up Chatroulette. But even though on-line relationships often end in What Could Go Wrong? style stories that would make Cupid pack away his bow and retire to a life of monastic repentance, this week we celebrate an internet meeting that went very, very right. Eleven years of What Went Right! to be exact.

This week’s Bad Movie Review hurls us like a big rock back to 1962 and the dune-buggy epic Eegah! This Lousey Unintentionally Bad Movie was meant to be a spring board to fame for Arch Hall Sr.’s rat-faced rockabilly son who stumbles through the production lip-synching to off key numbers and fumbling with his instrument like a chimp playing Guitar Hero. And his acting is about as wooden as Eegah’s club. But since boy wonder needed a chick to play against, Hall hired his own girlfriend to be the film’s love interest. Nothing creepy there. Unfortunately for Mr. Hall, he didn’t have a brother-in-law he could cast as a 7’2” giant caveman, so he had to go outside the family and hire the great (in stature) Richard Kiel. Kiel plays Eegah as a creature so removed from modern civilization that he thinks a bouquet of flowers and a freshly killed rabbit will convince any trollop you take to your cave to let you cop a feel. Silly caveman, this tramp’s for the kid! What develops is the classic love triangle between a dweeb with an outrageous haircut, a huge guy with a fake beard, and the floosy who’s sleeping with the guy who plays “Daddy”. It’s like if Shakespeare would have written King Kong . . . only terribly, terribly worse.

Meet the best parts of Tonee Walker, a.k.a. The Buxom Bandit, who turned herself in this week to authorities on advice from her lawyer/agent.

If only we could be at Comic Con. Hello Kitty is there cosplaying!

In this week’s educational short, a mean sexist is forced to ponder why he hates hiring women. Dang females, always getting married and pregant and asking questions and stuff! Please tolerate The Trouble With Women (1959);

From Skullard’s Postcard Collection: In the days when I was courting Luka, I wanted to show her what a stylin’, with-it guy I was. So I sent her this postcard. She never stood a chance, did she?

051 No Time For A Reflex Save

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Psssst! Hey bud . . . c’mere. Pardon me fer sayin’ so, but youse strikes me as a poyson of taste. Ya knowse, refinement, right? Somebody who wants da best onna counta youse desoive it, right? Youse know what I’m sayin’? It ain’t jus’ anybodies whut walks down dis alley dat I’m gonna accost. What’s dat? I meant “assist.” I’m gonna assist youse, right, onna counta I can tell jus’ by lookin’ at yuhz dat youse a poyson whut don’ settle fer anyt’ing less den da top of da line. Now lookit here whut I gots fer yuhz . . . youse ever seen sumpin’ dat nice? Lookit dat. Dat dere is whut youse call yer podcast. Sure, youse hoid about dem t’ings, right, dem podcasts? Well, I gots one right here, an’ let me tell youse my friend, youse ain’t gonna find a finer one in any back alley of de innernet or any uptown iTooners fancy-schmancy shop eeder. Dis is da goods, yuhz see whut I’m tawkin’ about? Yeah, dis is da one youse want, and if I’m lyin’ I’m dyin’. No kiddin’ bud, youse stick dis in youse iPodder dere an’ youse ain’t gonna believe whut comes out. Sure, kid, dis is da show fer youse. Take my woid fer it. C’mon . . . What Could Go Wrong?

Maximum Overdrive (1986) has got to be pulling your leg. This was a serious movie? Apparently they tried playing it straight, but damn! All the machines wise up and rise up at the same time to rebel against their creator overlords, also known as us. Everything ever made by our clever little hands now wants to bite, slice, crush, smash or grind those hands off. What the hell did we do? Turns out it’s nothing we did; comets are a bad influence on normally well-behaved inanimate objects. Peer pressure, right? So, if you want to survive the revolt of the machines, the place you want to be is an overly-armed truck stop where Emilio Estavez pumps gas and schtups hitch-hikers like a hero. Sorry Mr. Bible Salesman, but you’re no match for the 80’s macho machine that is Charlie’s brother. Shitty lines, goofy effects, cardboard characters and period hairstyles all collide to make this crappy horror/action flick a Good Unintentionally Bad Movie. Luka loves it for the lulz, and Skullard liked the soundtrack so much, he bought the album.

Thomas Daigle picked up pennies whenever he saw one and took them home. He just paid off that same home with those very pennies, making his final morgage payment with 800 pounds of shiney Lincolns. He’s taken “Every penny counts” to a whole new level.

The cops were called in to calm down an out of control bachelorette party and nearly became party favors themselves as the “ladies” tried to pull off their uniforms. What’s more amazing: that this policeman was mistaken for a stripper or that this woman with the shower curtain on her head is going to be a bride?

In this week’s bonus educational short, a husband and wife learn to ignore the many stresses of life such as work, children, and each other. Please learn to take it easy by viewing The Relaxed Wife (1957).

Lefty gives Ernie the pitch. One of our all-time favorite Joe Raposo numbers from Sesame Street.

And when you’re sitting back, enjoying the O you’ve purchased, take it easy with a soothing bit of music from Kevin MacLeod.

From Skullard’s Postcard Collection: It’s the 1939 model from International Harvester. Had this mother still been around for Maximum Overdrive, it would have reaped a bloody harvest indeed. Then again, all that splatter of human gore would have clashed like hell with such a snazzy green paint job. Besides, this old friendly guy probably would have used it’s animated free will to give hay rides to orphans and deliver Meals On Wheels ™ to the poor and indigent. It was just that kind of truck.

050 And Still Nobody Cares

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This episode would have been last week’s episode but we had a little episode last week in the form of a flood. We live up in snow country where massive amounts of the white stuff can dump on us and we’ve got it covered. We’ve got shovels and plows and snow-blowers and children we can exploit as cheap labor. Bury us in snow and we laugh in defiance, because we’re prepared baby! But shit, rain? What’s this rain stuff? Why won’t it just sit there waiting for us to pick it up with shovels? It’s so . . . fluid. No one up here was prepared for days of torrential rain, so the sewers backed up, pipes burst, mud slid, streets turned into rivers and the pavement fell out from under our feet. Boy, were we fucked. So, instead of recording our benchmark 50th episode last week, we pitched in and helped dig out some of our neighbors under the guise of being good people. Sadly, we didn’t fool anybody, so fuck those people. Let ’em do their own dirty work. We’re back doing our darnedest for you, our beloved listener, bringing you a brand new What Could Go Wrong? It’s more fun that shoveling mud, though if we do it right, we still need a shower afterwards.

This week’s Bad Movie Review features what many are going to insist is not a bad movie. Jaws (1975) is one of those cultural touchstones that most people over a certain age have seen (unless you’re Skullard). People talk about it and discuss it and compare other films to it and consider it a piece of cinematic history . . . conveniently forgetting how blatently ridiculous it is. Sure, it’s a Great Unintentionally Bad Movie, but it’s still a bad movie if you demythologize it and watch it with fresh eyes. In fact, Luka has given Jaws the full stick-figure treatment so you can see the story for what it truly is. What Could Go Wrong? is proud to present . . . Jaws!

Do you find yourself sitting around like a worthless lump while others are having fun? Are you a filthy urine-soaked coward? Please enjoy and become heartened by this week’s bonus educational short: Overcoming Fear (1950).

Alchemy Divine is an Etsy shop with beautiful handmade jewelry and snazzy cool things. Click this link and check ’em out! You’ll be surprised at what you find.

As always, you’ve got to go over and check out Kevin MacLeod at incompetec.com! He’s got music for anything you’re doing. Try listening to this while jogging and you’ll think you’re being followed by a camera crew for the opening credits of a disaster movie . . . which will give you an excuse to stop jogging.

From Skullard’s Postcard Collection: Okay, we lied. This isn’t a postcard this week. It’s a little photo we took of ourselves. This being the 50th episode and all, we decided to celebrate by making a cake . . . and auditioning for the next season of Mad Men. Skullard’s shooting for the role of Pete Campbell’s suave but insidious cousin while Luka’s going for the prim and gregarious housewife that can do such naughty, filthy things with an icing tube. Yum!

049 It’s Like My Dad Always Said

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It’s Father’s Day, so here’s to all you sperm donors who stuck around. You didn’t have to, y’know. A lot of guys didn’t. They just deposited their legacy juice and moved on to the next town, hat tipped down, six-shooter at their side. But you did the noble thing and set aside your wanderlust and ambitions for greatness. You put down roots and stuck with that ballooning woman until she could spawn your genetic replacement. Good for you. And then, flush from that grand accomplishment, you put it to her again so that she could be replaced as well. We’re not sure if you were satisfied with zero population growth or perhaps the two of you squirted out a couple more squalling drains on the planet, but statistically you eventually figured out that the wife unit could literally be replaced with an upgraded model, one chosen on the basis of style and design rather than brand loyalty. So, you dumped your kid’s mother and took up with someone you like better, but in order to prove to the new Mrs. You that she has all the goods the old model had and more, you decide to roll the genetic dice again. Assuming you didn’t come up snake-eyes or boxcars, you got yourself a new kid to add to the brood from your last partnership, half of which are probably a bit resentful of how you treated mom and the other half just resentful because it’s fun to hate. You’re sharing kids with multiple women in multiple homes now, and that’s not even assuming that the new Mrs. You wasn’t married before herself and brought some of her own offspring into the mix. Who are these people? Are you a dad to them now too? After a while, you have to start annotating the pictures in your wallet with post-it notes to keep all the names straight. And then one of your children, a female child we’ll assume, gets preggers from some smooth-talkin’ Johnny with a winning smile, six-shooter at his side, who just moseyed on to the next town leaving the poor lass in despair on daddy’s doorstep. Good Christ, after all that, one Sunday in June is the least you deserve. It’s a day for all those DNA recipients to gather ’round you and thank you for their very existence, not that they will. But, under no circumstances, should it be a day of reflection. Don’t ask yourself what life would have been like if you hadn’t stuck around, Mr. Sperm Donor. Don’t dredge up any of those lost ambitions or dreams from pre-child days. Nothing good ever comes from asking the question, “What went wrong?”

Syrup spillage on the Buttermilk Pike overpass. This industrial accident was brought to you by Hungry Jack (TM) Syrup!

In this week’s Bad Movie Review, Luka reaches back to 1965 for a poorly dubbed Italian job called The Bloody Pit of Horror. This old giggle-fit reinforces the message that those Italian guys really know how to treat a lady. What better place for a moderately kinky S&M photoshoot than an abandoned castle once owned by a murdering perv who called himself the Crimson Executioner? And look, there’s all these wacky torture devices left behind. And looky-looky . . . they’re still functional! In one of the most blatent displays of “What Could Go Wrong?” behavior, this group of fashion jaggoffs dress up in goofy outfits, take pictures of themselves playing with killing machines, get killed by the machines, and keep dressing up and taking more pictures. The viewer has to ask, “What the hell’s wrong with these people? Aside from the fact that their words don’t match their lip movements.” As a horror movie, perfect bodies notwithstanding, this film doesn’t do the job. But for a snarkable snort-fest with nice legs, great hair and lots of eye make-up, The Bloody Pit of Horror scores as a Good Unintentionally Bad Movie. Arrivederci, muthah-fuckahz.

Luka’s Bad Movie Review asks the question; what will happen when a bunch of arrogant photographers and stupid bimbo models sneak into a scary castle? MURDER! Please enjoy the poor dubbing and kinky S&M of The Bloody Pit of Horror (1965)!

Do your neighbors piss you off? Do they leave fetid pools of water and rotting garbage lying about? Are they the ones responsible for all these rats and cockroaches? Or is it YOUR fault? Please find out by viewing this week’s educational short; It Must Be The Neighbors (1966).

Alchemy Divine is not our sponsor, but an Etsy shop with beautiful handmade jewelry and snazzy cool things. Click this link and check ’em out! You’ll be surprised at what you find. Specifically, things that are not syrup related.

From Skullard’s Postcard Collection: I remember looking at this for the first time and thinking, “Okay, is this card putting down welfare scum, or is it saying welfare scumming may be a preferable alternative to an exhausting life on the hamster wheel that goes nowhere?” Okay sure, the guy seems to have two wives, but they both seem to take great pleasure from his misery. I’m not sure where the upside is to all this.