109 Hocus Pocus

109 Hocus Pocus Luka and Skullard gear up for another battle with the Landlord From Hell as once again water comes pouring down from the ceiling. (NO IT DOESN’T!) But don’t worry, everything’s apparently fine forever. Unless of course, Skullard manages to lock himself out of the building again.

This week’s bad movie has been known to cause so much biting of nails and wetting of pants that its trailer was pulled from television. Anthony Hopkins descends into insanity alongside a figure which frightened him both on and off-screen in this week’s Bad Movie: Magic (1978).

Watch happily as a foolish young boy is nearly bitten by snakes and kicked by horses in this week’s thrilling educational short Safety With Animals (1961)!

From Skullard’s Postcard Collection: Cheer up, everyone! It’s Soup Swap Day! Om nom nom! And who wouldn’t want to swap such appetizing bowls of vomit as these from “Thorton Truckstop Diner – Serving a variety of tempting, delicious, home-cooked foods at popular prices. Con Mucho Gusto!” As if there wasn’t enough to fear in Beaumont, Texas.

106 Not The Bees

106 Not The BeesThanks for coming to our home and joining us for our traditional feast of pointlessness. Since we aren’t geographically close enough to visit either of our respective families, we spent Thanksgivukkah with you, our podcasting family. That’s right, you’re family now. So what did you bring? You’re not still seeing the boy, are you? When are you going to quit that job and go back to school? Y’know, it’s such a shame. You always had so much potential and look at you. By the way, when’s the last time you changed your oil? You have to take care of things if you want them to last. Say, did you hear about your cousin Janice? Well you know she was engaged to that Todd boy, right? The Dempsey boy? Well, it turns out that he’s been going on line at his job and . . . hey! Where ya goin’? Hey, don’t leave! There’s still pie!

Having a hard time keeping track of the tangled relationships in Once Upon A Time? Click on this simple, easy-to-follow chart and all will be clear. Sorta.
OUAT chart

Luka says that the best way to watch The Wicker Man (2006) is as a comedy. She’s not alone in that view. Here’s a great trailer to put you in a rom-com state of mind.

Ever wanted to explain Keynesian economics to a third grader? It can be done, and as it turns out, they did it simply and elegantly back in 1939 with a delightful educational short called Round and Round. (Be glad YOU don’t have to pay for your widgets with manhole covers.)

From Skullard’s Postcard Collection: Why do we wave at people on boats? “Bon voyage, mother fuckers!” Why should we care? We’re not the ones going on a trip. And why would those bastards wave back? Don’t they have boaty things to do like shuffle board or stuffing their faces or something? How about we all go about our respective business and leave each other alone. It’s not like we wish those people well or anything. “Hope ya sink!”

“What did those peasants say, darling?”

“I’m not sure. Perhaps it was, ‘The Pope has ink’?”

“How wonderful for him. Shall we retire to the Lido deck?”

“Retire? Silly Billy, we don’t work.”

“Ah-ha-ha, yes, quite right. Very good, darling.”

104 Bloody Mischief

104 Bloody Mischief Another week has passed. Skullard and Luka watch TV and complain. There’s a lot of funny stuff on TV starring super smart villains and sexually promiscuous super-heroes. Oh, Arrow! There’s also a really loud lady downstairs and vindictive shaves of paper trying to cut Luka to bits. Cheer up, Luka! Just put a little ketchup on it and head on down to the mall for a slumber party – with SANTA CLAUS!

Almost a hundred years ago, The Axeman began chopping heads in the city of New Orleans. It is true. To prove that he was a scary as everyone thought, The Axeman even wrote a letter to the police which was published in a newspaper. Shockingu!

Hell, March 13, 1919

Esteemed Mortal:

They have never caught me and they never will. They have never seen me, for I am invisible, even as the ether that surrounds your earth. I am not a human being, but a spirit and a demon from the hottest hell. I am what you Orleanians and your foolish police call the Axeman.

When I see fit, I shall come and claim other victims. I alone know whom they shall be. I shall leave no clue except my bloody axe, besmeared with blood and brains of he whom I have sent below to keep me company.

If you wish you may tell the police to be careful not to rile me. Of course, I am a reasonable spirit. I take no offense at the way they have conducted their investigations in the past. In fact, they have been so utterly stupid as to not only amuse me, but His Satanic Majesty, Francis Josef, etc. But tell them to beware. Let them not try to discover what I am, for it were better that they were never born than to incur the wrath of the Axeman. I don‘t think there is any need of such a warning, for I feel sure the police will always dodge me, as they have in the past. They are wise and know how to keep away from all harm.

Undoubtedly, you Orleanians think of me as a most horrible murderer, which I am, but I could be much worse if I wanted to. If I wished, I could pay a visit to your city every night. At will I could slay thousands of your best citizens, for I am in close relationship with the Angel of Death.

Now, to be exact, at 12:15 (earthly time) on next Tuesday night, I am going to pass over New Orleans. In my infinite mercy, I am going to make a little proposition to you people. Here it is:

I am very fond of jazz music, and I swear by all the devils in the nether regions that every person shall be spared in whose home a jazz band is in full swing at the time I have just mentioned. If everyone has a jazz band going, well, then, so much the better for you people. One thing is certain and that is that some of your people who do not jazz it on Tuesday night (if there be any) will get the axe.

Well, as I am cold and crave the warmth of my native Tartarus, and it is about time I leave your earthly home, I will cease my discourse. Hoping that thou wilt publish this, that it may go well with thee, I have been, am and will be the worst spirit that ever existed either in fact or realm of fancy.

The Axeman

Whee! What fun it is to play in the water with surfboards and dolphins and crap like that. Let’s all enjoy some Aqua Frolics (1950)!

From Skullard’s Postcard Collection: A “bantam weight” portable (36 1/2lbs light) with all the picture punch of a console. Transformer powered 17 tube hand wired chassis delivers 25 tube performance. 17″ short neck 110″ picture tune for briefcase slim styling. White gloves not included.

098 It Happens In Your Mind

098 It Happens In Your MindToday is Do Something Nice Day. So we’re doing something nice and posting up a new episode. What more do you want. C’mon, it’s raining outside. And it’s windy. You want us to put on clothes and shit and actually go out and do something nice for somebody? That would involve some level of discomfort, and how dare you demand that of us? Leave us alone, we’re doing enough as it is. And what are you doing? Sitting here reading a screen, you sponge. You’re no better than we are, you judgmental jerk. And having said that, thus concludes our good deed of the day. Pay it forward, asshole.

If you’re going to only watch one show we talked about, watch Breaking Bad. If you’re looking for a second one, try What Remains. It’s quite good.

Franco Scaramuzza stops (not “foils”) a robbery in funny pants. Watch him get interviewed by a chicken.

You’ve gotta try Steve’s Pepper Sauce. When it comes to kickin’ flavor, yeah, Steve’s the boss. For a taste you won’t believe, come try Steve’s!

Don’t take candy from strangers, don’t hitchhike, don’t play near the restrooms, don’t walk down back alleys, and stay out of church if you live in Boston. All but one of these great pieces of advice are offered to a girl who by rights should have ended up in a ditch somewhere in this disturbingly cheerful classic The Strange Ones (1969).

From Skullard’s Postcard Collection: Ah, the days of family viewing. The days you relegated one kid to sitting on the floor so you could swat the back of his head to let him know it was time to scoot up and change the channel. That’s right, instead of batteries the remote was powered by apples.

097 Who Wouldn’t

097 Who Wouldn'tSomehow, between being held up by near-fatal traffic accidents and surprise visits from good and deserving aunts, we ended up watching a lot of TV. Probably because we had a lot of TV to watch. With the new season of shows starting up, checking out the new offerings from the various networks can start to pile up and feel like homework. Sometimes we have to remind ourselves that this isn’t Pokémon; we don’t have to catch them all. Sure, we’re going to watch the more bizarre offerings like Sleepy Hollow, but there’s only so many hours in a week. If it comes down to choosing between a sit-com like the Micheal J Fox Show and watching a BBC four-parter like What Remains, the British win the war every time. And hot Asian girl aside, Dads isn’t going to tear eyes away from a half decent iPad app even on a bad day. It’s good to try new things, but we’re looking forward to whittling down this season to a reasonable watching schedule. Reasonable for US, we should say. Don’t feel like you have to keep up with our bad habits.

Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. is a prime-time commercial for Marvel’s movie franchises with a whole lot of brains and money backing it up. Notice the attractive hacker chick and geek girl thrown in to give the hardcore basement dwellers and Bronie types boners of hope.

Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. has Ming-Na Wen playing Melinda May to fill the show’s requisite “Hot Asian” quotient, but the sit-com Dads has Brenda Song. Sometimes even special effects can’t beat real life.
HotAsianLadies copy

Hey kids, those cans daddy brought home sure look cute and fun-filled. Look, even your good friend Hello Kitty is there on the can dressing up as cute fruit. It’s gotta be something he bought for you to drink, right? Bottoms up!

Persian: Fried cinnamon roll smothered in thick, fluffy pink frosting. ‘Nuff said.

Oh no! Breaking Bad is ending on Sunday. How will it end? You decide.
Choose Bad

Luka mentioned that one of the theories on how Breading Bad will end will be reminiscent of the classic Marty Robbins country ballad “El Paso”, as dramatized here by the imitable Steve Martin.

Who knew that a young girl’s first period was something that the whole neighborhood could enjoy? Join in the fun with Molly Grows Up (1953).

From Skullard’s Postcard Collection: Coffee and doughnuts, every cop’s lifeblood. Sunday is Coffee Day, so celebrate the most socially acceptable chemical addiction by staining your teeth and irritating your bladder. (The preceding message brought to you by the Cola Foundation.)

OVA: We Know What We Did This Summer

Well, the summer’s over. It’s time to drag your smelly carcass back to school or to work, with only the memories of your vacation to sustain you until next year. But don’t despair, dumbass! You can make yourself feel better by listening to Skullard and Luka regale you with their thrilling tales of mundane and utterly pointless adventure.

What kind of excitement can you expect? Birthday cakes made of ground meat and topped with dead mice! Quiche and inanely rambling old women with a grudge against Germany! Boomboxes plunging into birdbaths when everybody refused to dance now! Mysterious appearing and disappearing church signs! Unnecessary juice coupons! Enraging trip to the tire store while hubcaps attempt to make their escape! Posters at the Post Office! Endlessly shrieking children at Walmart! Quarters inserting themselves into Luka’s butt-crack and then later disguising themselves as batteries! Killer wasps loose in the bathroom! Weenie boogers!

During our trip to the antique store, Luka became charmed with an old sign reading “SPRATT’S CAT FOOD: Puts Pussy In Fine Form“. It comes in packets! They also make dog food and some kind of powder for canaries. Delicious!

From Skullard’s Postcard Collection; Our newest find is a funny little card sent back in 1921, from a young lady in Wolfville to her friend in college. It reads “Hello you sweet little bunch of sour grapes! Have they done this to you yet? I got your dejected and mournful puppy dog and was pleased to see him but I’m afraid he won’t be cheered up very soon or Lucy’s essay will never be typed. Congratylations Miss Fash on getting your Literary A. The tavern is an awful touch without you. Jean and I had to go up to it last night and rouse a little life in it. La la old thing – give my love to the rest of the gang! And if you’d drop another line perhaps you’d get a bigger bit. -Marion”

096 Suck It Up, Quit Whining And Have Fun

Why waste your Sunday morning bowing and scraping to your silly deity when you could lay about in your filthy underpants listening to What Could Go Wrong? This week Skullard and Luka blather on about many pointless topics that are sure to enchant you. Oh! Such as The Ug Couple, the Hot Guy Gas Station, A Touch of Cloth, the Virgin Mary’s birthday and three-way goat fuckery! Wow! Will the entertainment never cease? (Yes, it will. We had to eat cheese pizza and cream-filled chocolate donuts.)

Are you brimming with ungodly arrogance like Skullard and Luka? Alright then you smartass, why not try your hand at The Deck of Many Things? Perhaps you will win fabulous treasures, the likes of which you have never seen! Or maybe you’ll be cursed to an eternity of misery and disease. Whee! Uncertainty is fun!

Did we gush on enough about A Touch of Cloth? Well, have you started watching it? If not, more gushing is called for.

Remember kids: it’s no fun to fall down and get hurt all the time, and everybody will hate you! For crying out loud, haven’t you got any Skateboard Sense (1975)?

From Skullard’s Postcard Collection: sometimes spiritual nagging comes in handy postcard form. Go to church every Sunday! Don’t forget to dress like a total prat. Be thou faithful unto death. Death, I say!

And if that wasn’t enough of a guilt trip to get your ass back to church, how about THIS? Your non-conformity makes puppies and kittens sad! You don’t want to make innocent fluffy critters weep for your lost soul… DO YOU?!

092 Ask About Our Dental Services

Grab your moth-eaten top hats and bindles and get ready to ride the rails! It’s National Hobo Week! It’s also Intimate Apparel Week. Should we put the hobos in lingerie? Hmmm. If that doesn’t appeal to you, then why not take your children to the Zoo to pet tigers? Are they too scared? Then how about giving them a shovel so they can dig up worms and firearms in your backyard? Oh, fine. Then go ahead and send your kids to summer camp where it’s nice and safe. Meanwhile, you can stop by the local car wash for your bi-yearly tooth cleaning. What could go wrong?

NBC’s newest horror-drama will be airing in October and starring a rather familiar character. What do you think, Skullard? Does it look good, or will it… suck?

Remember the Noid? Not only would this disgusting little goblin make your cheese sticky and your pizza cold, but he had toys and video games in his honor. The first one was for the Commodore 64, so you know it was super good.

Don’t worry, not all pizza delivery is scary news. Domino’s Pizza will go to great lengths to please you. Just look at this cute napkin love note they sent us with our free apology pizza and lava cakes! Thank you, Domino’s!

BEHOLD! The mighty ant! Ants are stronger, smarter, faster and better than any other living thing on earth. Especially YOU.

Impressed by how cool ants are? You should be. Now why not learn how to murder them? Please enjoy this week’s educational short, Goodbye Mrs. Ant (1959)!

Danganropa – The Animation is the anime Skullard keeps calling “Highschool of Dispair” but which highschool isn’t, really? Sure, the school you attended didn’t force you to murder your classmates and execute you horribly if you couldn’t get away with it . . . but you had gym, right? Pep rallies? What they called a salad bar? If our principal had been a sociopathic stuffed bear, we couldn’t have told the difference.

From Skullard’s Postcard Collection: What are people saying behind your back? Are they whispering about you? Are they sneaking into your apartment at night and looking around? Are they insinuating that you will ruin their pizzas? ARE THEY?

088 No Parking

Who are the people in your neighborhood? In your neighborhood? In your neighborhood? Hillbillies who scream obscenities and leave rotting trash in the hallway? Hookers who bring their Johns over all hours of the day and night? Young college couples who break up on the front lawn and then spend the next few days hurling insults and bits of furniture at one another as they move out separately? Old folks who watch TV at top volume past midnight? Toddlers who scream and wail into the wee hours of the morning? Frat boys who have parties every day of the week and drive dune-buggies in tiny circles round and round the parking lot? Depressed wantwits who moan and grumble to everyone and no one in particular? Are THESE the people that you meet when you’re walking down the street? The people that you meet each day? Sigh….

The mighty pile of dirt has turned verdant. Seems to be a lot of nutrients in that soil, which begs the question: who’s buried under there?

From Skullard’s Postcard Collection: Hey, Grump-Butt down there in Apartment #3! Don’t be a grouchy old Don’t Bee. Society will loathe and shun you!

086 Most Likely To Succeed

Sure, this is Father’s Day, but it’s also Fudge Day which honest people will admit to being even nearer and dearer to their self-indulgent hearts. Fudge originated at Vassar College in the 1880’s and quickly spread to other women’s colleges throughout the region because there were no vibrators yet. C’mon, you can’t have underwear pillow fights every night, right? Not long after, shops on Mackinac Island in Michigan began cooking up the squishy goodness to sell to tourists. Suddenly, there were tourist on Mackinac Island. Coincidence? In fact, some of those shops that sold fudge in the late 1900’s are still around making bliss and SHOULD CONSIDER BECOMING SPONSORS OF A CERTAIN PODCAST. For example, the Mackinac Fudge Shop wouldn’t have to spend a dime to get us to embed a link to their website from our own. Just a bit of product every so often would certainly buy our loyalty, mercenaries that we are. Of course, the same deal goes out to Alexia Potatoes as well. And if you’re offended at the level of whoredom we’re willing to sink to, perhaps you’ve never considered what a couple of cheap whores can do to improve your life. Ask yo Momma. Also, this podcast could easily be brought to you by Prunes. We don’t think most people realize just how good prunes are. Though not as good as fudge, right Mackinac Fudge Shop?

Donald Duck – NOT appropriate for children. Never was, never will be. Fucking rage-aholic spazmatron.

This guy is one persuasive bastard. You really ought to listen to this proto-geek prune enthusiast.

From Skullard’s Postcard Collection: Another postcard . . . with chimpanzees. Here’s Bongo, the official WCGW cook whipping up our Thursday night after podcast meal. Please Alexia Potatoes . . . PLEASE save us from this fate!