116 A General Stink

116 A General StinkBack when we were in school, on St. Patrick’s Day you were expected to wear something green on your person. If you were caught without some green on you, other people were allowed to pinch you. It was never clear if this was official policy or whether school administrators simply looked the other way, put this punitive system was vigorously enforced. You either conformed to the arbitrary one day dress code or you were pinched. And it was up to whoever was applying the fingers of justice where you got pinched and how hard. Some of these people were rank bastards about it. And it wasn’t a one-off either. Anyone catching you without green got to squeeze a bit of your flesh regardless of how many welts you’d already endured by that point. What this system had to do with Ireland or Catholicism was anybody’s guess, but when the morning of March 17th came around, you sure weren’t thinking about saints. You were digging in your closet and sock drawers for anything that would save your skin. But once you were properly attired, there was no guarantee you wouldn’t get micro-groped by those overly enthusiastic assholes who lived by the maxim “Pinch first, ask questions later.” So perhaps you went on the offensive, snapping out at others and playing color-cop in order to forestall any assaults on your own person. Or maybe you just hunkered down, wearing three long-sleeved shirts and a jacket, waiting for lunch recess when the worst of it would be over. Either way, it was a relief when you were finally old enough for St. Patrick’s Day to become a drinking holiday which has everything to do with Ireland and Catholicism.

This is Echo, one of Luka’s role-playing characters. She’s leveled up and up to the point where she’s so powerful, she’s one the verge of the divine, much like her cleavage. But she can’t just become a goddess by filling out an application at the post office. She needs to attract worshipers by performing godly acts. Luka would like your help coming up with godly acts for Echo to perform (beyond the pornographic ones that Skullard has already provided in full and horrendous detail). Please go to our Facebook page and give your suggestions for how we can elevate Echo to the heavenly realms. Because this is important. Vital, even.

The secretary is an invaluable asset to every office environment, performing her duties with prompt efficiency and foresight. If she does her job properly (and it is, of course, a “she“), everything runs so smoothly that you would hardly notice she’s there. It’s only when she screws up or is a slob that she draws attention to herself, and who would want that? Certainly not any man she works for. Learn how to keep your head down and work like a good little drone in A Secretary’s Day (1947).

From Skullard’s Postcard Collection: Here’s a couple of precious snowflakes being protected by a celestial guardian and a useless dog. So nice of Kensington Funeral Home to remind us to keep our kiddies safe, isn’t it? Seems like such a public service runs the risk of cutting into their bottom line. But look at what they’re promoting: “Leave it in God’s hands. Trust the survival of your children to the angels and various loyal animals. Every thing will be fine now that you know heaven’s winged bodyguards are on the job. So let your kids play in the street with abandon.” Thanks Kensington Funeral Home.

115 Back-Up Plan

115 Back-Up PlanThere is a saying among high wire walkers that if you put up a net, you’re going to use it. No, this isn’t some neo-conservative rant attacking food stamps. Rather, this is about the lie we’re told by those who have put security over happiness and would hate to see us succeed. Most people don’t get what they want out of life because they want to play it safe. If everyone else around them does the same thing, they can make themselves feel like they made the right decision to be miserable. This week we share the opinion that these fuckers shouldn’t hold you back. Cut the net. Be like Cortez and his men and burn the boats so you have no choice but to march forward into victory. (We’re not saying you should actually do what Cortez did, though. Destroying cultures and slaughtering natives is kind of a dick move.) Follow Plan A. Plan B is a slow death.

Even as much as we’re preaching “live your dream” in this episode, maybe there’s a limit to that. For example, the dream of Blondie Bennett to become a living Barbie doll may not have been . . . wow. Okay, some dreams are a little fucked up.

Prepare yourself for the most thrilling trailer you’ve ever witnessed.

A smartass little boy boasts that he knows more about safety than the average adult. Please tune in to Safety Patrol (1937) for instructions on how to survive. Especially if you’re a woman. You know how women are.

From Skullard’s Postcard Collection: Regardless of whether they are in the chair or behind it, there isn’t one person in this picture who is living their “Plan A”.

114 Get In The Trunk

114 Get In The TrunkWhere is the future we were promised? Sure, sure, it’s in the future, we get that, but what about that past future that supposed to be now but isn’t? Flying cars, unlimited life light bulbs and batteries, slammin’ one-piece outfits that glitter, all these things we were promised in movies to have by this time. Okay, movies also predicted several dozen world-ending disasters and societal collapses that we’ve managed to dodge, so maybe we shouldn’t use cinema to build our wish-list. But still, where’s our food replicators? Where’s the teleportation to Moonbase Beta and back? Where’s our universal health care? Regardless of whether they’re controlled by the laws of robotics or SkyNet, where’s our amblitory, humanoid robots and androids? It’s 2014, fer chrissakes, we should at least have holographic television and a chip in our head. What do we actually have, Google glasses? Well, we don’t. Only special people have those. Is that the way it’s going to work from here on? Only privileged people get to enjoy technological innovations while the rest of us sit and wait for next-gen hand-me-downs? That’s a future that sounds a lot like the past, actually. Revolution, we say! Let’s take back our future from those hoity-toity one-percenters. Give us our techno-toys and science wonders before we use some old school tech like bricks and sticks to take them from you. How much good is your Google glass going to do against an axe handle? The future is now . . . OR ELSE!

Inside No. 9 is our new fascination. Here’s the merest taste of what we’ve been gushing about.

Skullard mentioned that his favorite emotive guitarist was David Gilmore who has a birthday this week. What does he mean by emotive? Take a listen.

From Skullard’s Postcard Collection: The High Tide Lounge – Where Friendly People Meet. And drown, apparently.

113 Snow Day

113 Snow DayLike gossamer feathers of small frozen birds the snow came down. And down it came. And even more of it came down because it couldn’t go up, not even back to that huge flock of naked, shivering birds who most likely hate Winter even more than we do, poor things. Such a mighty pile it made, and that over-abundance of crap blocked all access to the road and the world beyond. After a few hours of sisyphian labor trying to carve a path to freedom, both Skullard and his boss said, “Fuck it,” and that’s how we got ourselves a snow day. It’s the first we’ve had in many a year, and though it was paid for dearly in sweat and snot, we gladly made the most of it with hot food, cinnamon coffee and a leisurely afternoon podcast. Join us for a semi-carefree hour of bitching in the warm confines of not-work.

Some people use shovels to move snow. Others would rather carry a shovel around like a beloved pet, giving it a guided tour of buried parking lots and walkways. We have a message for those who are too protective of their special shovel friends.

Every so often we fall accidently into a hobby that could, if not guarded against, take over our lives and body/mass indexes.

Season 2 of House of Cards is worth whatever you’re paying for Netflix and then some. Are you really reading this when you could be watching Frank Underwood redefine evil? Shame on you . . . and it is on you, because Frank knows no shame at all.

Oh no! Do you have to make an important speech at that big business meeting? Are you trembling with yellow-bellied terror at the very idea? Of course you are, you worthless coward! Perhaps this week’s educational short will help you grow a pair. Please enjoy Speech: Stage Fright And What To Do About It (1949)!

From Skullard’s Postcard Collection: Combining both “Pig Day” and “Plan A Solo Vacation Day”, here’s a pig humping a scooter. That’s one road trip that won’t turn into a horror movie. OR WILL IT!?!


112 Best Of Luck

112 Best Of Luck It is Valentine’s Day. Expectations are very high. Whatever you attempt to do to appease your sweetheart will likely not be good enough. Fool! Why didn’t you give them something they would really enjoy, like a tube of Blowpaste, or a bacon-flavored soda? You don’t deserve love! You will die alone and afraid, just like Gumby did!!

Here it is! The great people at Blowpaste took Skullard’s jingle and made commercial magic. Share this video around to all of your fun-minded friends and visit cheekychacha.com to get some Blowpaste of your very own . . . to share, of course.

Skullard and Luka know that Valentine’s Day is not a time of romance, but a day of brutal horror! It is true. If you have any doubts, please enjoy a musical montage of gruesome cut scenes from this week’s bad movie; My Bloody Valentine (1981). Oh no! People are getting killed, eh?

It is best of avoid romance as much as you can. No good will come from it, especially if you decide to marry your high school sweetheart or that fat chick from church. Need more information? Why not watch a fantastically helpful educational short; How Do You Know It’s Love (1950)?

From Skullard’s Postcard Collection: Here’s a lovely photo of Harry Warden today. He’s quick to point out that all those stories of cannibalism and murder were hooie made up by the locals to jigger up some enthusiasm for that Valentine’s shin-dig. Everybody needs a villain, right? And besides, he only really killed about five or six people in total and they were all ninnys and fat-heads. And he only ate people the one time and didn’t much care for it, most likely because one of the guys was Tony Balducci and he never much cared for Italian.

109 Hocus Pocus

109 Hocus Pocus Luka and Skullard gear up for another battle with the Landlord From Hell as once again water comes pouring down from the ceiling. (NO IT DOESN’T!) But don’t worry, everything’s apparently fine forever. Unless of course, Skullard manages to lock himself out of the building again.

This week’s bad movie has been known to cause so much biting of nails and wetting of pants that its trailer was pulled from television. Anthony Hopkins descends into insanity alongside a figure which frightened him both on and off-screen in this week’s Bad Movie: Magic (1978).

Watch happily as a foolish young boy is nearly bitten by snakes and kicked by horses in this week’s thrilling educational short Safety With Animals (1961)!

From Skullard’s Postcard Collection: Cheer up, everyone! It’s Soup Swap Day! Om nom nom! And who wouldn’t want to swap such appetizing bowls of vomit as these from “Thorton Truckstop Diner – Serving a variety of tempting, delicious, home-cooked foods at popular prices. Con Mucho Gusto!” As if there wasn’t enough to fear in Beaumont, Texas.

108 Ice Cream Is Not A Sauce

108 Ice Cream Is Not A Sauce This week Skullard and Luka discuss the truly important things in life: cake, ice cream, ovens and eyeballs. KILLER eyeballs. Killer eyeballs from the 8th dimension. In the 8th dimension it’s okay to put ice cream on everything. But we’re living in the 3rd or the 4th dimension or something and it’s not okay here. It’s disgusting. Ice cream goes in bowls and cake goes on plates. One gets eaten with a spoon and the other with a fork. Never shall they meet!

Not getting enough attention from the opposite sex? You could stay at home all by yourself, sulking and whining. Or you go get out there and put your ass back on the market by flirting with every boy in sight. Learn how to snag yourself a man – ANY man by watching More Dates For Kay (1952)!

From Skullard’s Postcard Collection: Does this look like sauce to you? Does it? Okay, the one in the middle has some kind of fruity sauce ON it, but you don’t put sauce on sauce do you? I mean, that kinda proves my point. And who puts sauce in a cone? That would be more like a crepe, wouldn’t it? People don’t put ice cream in crepes, do they? Please tell me they don’t. Aw shit, they do? Fuck! Like I needed something else to worry about. Ice cream and pancakes? Fuck me!

107 Emotional And Bodily Harm

107 Emotional and Bodily Harm

Is Santa Claus dyslexic? The thought, I know, is shocking,
I asked him for a sock monkey; I got a monkey in my stocking,
I woke up and went downstairs to find him hanging from a drape,
It screeched at me and I just stood there shocked with mouth agAPE,
He jumped down on the nativity set scattering all the pieces,
And ran about the room like school kids let out for RHESUS,
Then in a flash he was up the tree and on the star was hammerin’,
I stood there doing nothing but stutterin’ and sTAMARIN,
But when it came to flinging poo, I admit this guy was great,
Out of ten, a superior seven, or even a PRIMATE,
That was when my little brother Derek stumbled in,
He caught the kid just under the mouth giving DeriCAPUCHIN,
A flying turd hit my momma just above the hip,
The monkey HOWLERed in victory like he’d won some championCHIMP,
My mother’s face turned burning red, to rage she had been driven,
No monkey soiling momma’s clothes would ever be forGIBBON,
She tore into the presents searching for items that could kill,
She came up with “Lady’s Knitting Set” and poppa’s new MANDRILL,
She SPIDER prey running away and not the least bit sorry,
MARMOSET off after it, chasing down her quarry,
The monkey was no match for momma’s murderous intent,
Once the bloody deed was done, in a garbage SAKI went,
I swore that day that never again would Santa I confuse,
Until the year I forgot and asked for alligator shoes.

This is a story about blasting caps, the most safe and innocent toys in your child’s bedroom. WAIT! No, that’s not right! Those things are deadly! Deadly, I tell you! Especially in the WRONG HANDS. Do you have the wrong hands? Will you have any hands left when this is all over? Find out the gory truth in Blasting Cap Danger (1957).

From Skullard’s Postcard Collection: Jackson Pollock eat your heart out.

106 Not The Bees

106 Not The BeesThanks for coming to our home and joining us for our traditional feast of pointlessness. Since we aren’t geographically close enough to visit either of our respective families, we spent Thanksgivukkah with you, our podcasting family. That’s right, you’re family now. So what did you bring? You’re not still seeing the boy, are you? When are you going to quit that job and go back to school? Y’know, it’s such a shame. You always had so much potential and look at you. By the way, when’s the last time you changed your oil? You have to take care of things if you want them to last. Say, did you hear about your cousin Janice? Well you know she was engaged to that Todd boy, right? The Dempsey boy? Well, it turns out that he’s been going on line at his job and . . . hey! Where ya goin’? Hey, don’t leave! There’s still pie!

Having a hard time keeping track of the tangled relationships in Once Upon A Time? Click on this simple, easy-to-follow chart and all will be clear. Sorta.
OUAT chart

Luka says that the best way to watch The Wicker Man (2006) is as a comedy. She’s not alone in that view. Here’s a great trailer to put you in a rom-com state of mind.

Ever wanted to explain Keynesian economics to a third grader? It can be done, and as it turns out, they did it simply and elegantly back in 1939 with a delightful educational short called Round and Round. (Be glad YOU don’t have to pay for your widgets with manhole covers.)

From Skullard’s Postcard Collection: Why do we wave at people on boats? “Bon voyage, mother fuckers!” Why should we care? We’re not the ones going on a trip. And why would those bastards wave back? Don’t they have boaty things to do like shuffle board or stuffing their faces or something? How about we all go about our respective business and leave each other alone. It’s not like we wish those people well or anything. “Hope ya sink!”

“What did those peasants say, darling?”

“I’m not sure. Perhaps it was, ‘The Pope has ink’?”

“How wonderful for him. Shall we retire to the Lido deck?”

“Retire? Silly Billy, we don’t work.”

“Ah-ha-ha, yes, quite right. Very good, darling.”

105 A Place Called Monkey Mountain

105 A Place Called Monkey Mountain High atop a mighty hill covered in ice, Luka and Skullard cower in their so-called recording studio to bring you another podcast episode. As the neighbor engages in a fight to the death with his garage door, Skullard thrashes on the guitar until his fingers bleed while Luka frets about who she might be offending. Wait… is that saying people might get offended offensive? Sorry.

Do you know what a Dodo is? It’s an extinct bird, and that’s what you’re gonna be if you don’t take my advice, kid. Don’t be a wiseguy and always carry a pad of paper to take down license plates because then you’ll get to see exciting car chases. Thrill to the 1950 of To Catch a Predator with the Sid Davis fear-fest The Dangerous Stranger.

Do you want to be as cool as Skullard? Of course you do. Skullard helps little old one-legged ladies mail letters before randomly being accused of being a shoplifter. But he also writes songs! Heart-wrenching, stomach-churning, foot-tapping, bone-chilling songs! Surely his talent fills you with rage and envy. Fear not! For the mere price of $3.95 you too can be a musical genius.