Category Archives: bad movies

026 A Plain White Sack

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“Oh the weather outside is frightful,
It’s mean and nasty and spiteful,
And the temperature’s twenty be-low,
Fuck the snow! Fuck the snow! Fuck the snow!”

And if the weather isn’t bad enough, the Holiday Season is baring down upon us like that hormonal aberration in the fourth grade that would wait just outside the school to threaten you for your lunch money. He’s a copy write lawyer now, so nothing different there, and the holidays are just the same tired shit they’ve always been as well. We’ve been through it before and we’ll get through it again, this magical time of year. But maybe, at least for an hour or so, we can lighten your mental load with a big box of What Could Go Wrong? Consider it a short vacation in the middle of a long, long December.

Thieves! They’re everywhere! They’re stealing Santas, egg nog, toilet paper, and the dead. And the assault on asses continues with another botched butt enhancement (sorry, no pictures). And then there are the weird stories, like the guy who got himself shot right next to his own grave, proving it pays to plan ahead. Also planning ahead, one guy sends Christmas cards from the grave. And finally, somebody threw a rock into a Salvation Army kettle . . . a really nice, glittery rock.

The stink-pit that is the subject of this week’s Bad Movie Review is Scream Bloody Murder from 1973. Enjoy the story of how one boy with an Oedipus complex runs across some of the nicest, most pleasant people you’d ever want to meet. Oh, and then he kills their asses dead. That’s what you get for being nice. What begins as a P.S.A. about farm equipment safety eventually degenerates into a “One-Armed Bandit” version of Grand Theft Auto. Also, this Pretty Good Unintentionally Bad Movie marks the screen debut of Famous Amos (not really, but if you don’t watch this movie with some candy on hand, you’re going to want to go out and buy some).

Matthew surprises Vera by giving her her own palette knife;

The evil Matthew smothers an old lady in an epic battle! Then he threatens the life of a stupid dog.

And finally, Matthew just can’t understand why Vera doesn’t appreciate all the wonderful things he does for her. Sheesh!

Since we’re right in the middle of gift-buying season, Skullard decided to sound off after the fact and give you his Gift-Giving Guide. As a gift. No, you can’t return it for something better. This week’s Ramble doesn’t come with a receipt.

From Skullard’s Postcard Collection: Say, having problems with your meat extrusion? You should really try the “easy squeeze” method. (Just what are we talking about?)

In this week’s educational short, young women learn to take better care of their bodies so they can remain attractive to men and healthy enough to bear children. Come on, girls. We know that’s all you really want. Please enjoy Girls Are Better Than Ever (1967)!

For the record: no Hello Kitties were harmed in the making of this podcast.

UPDATE: Follow us on Twitter! @WCGW That’s easy enough to remember, right?

025 Clean As A Whistle

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It’s our “Two Bits” episode! No, we’re not just doing two bits and calling it quits like lazy shits. We’re talking “two bits” as in, “Two bits, four bits, eight bits, a dollar! Everyone for Luka stand up and holler!” We assume you’re all standing. Two bits is the old-timey lingo for a quarter, which is twenty-five cents and this is episode twenty-five. See? Wasn’t that all delightfully clever? You can sit down now.

This week our report on all things wrong takes a day by day approach, but as it turns out, the more things go wrong, the more they stay the same. You may think you’ve heard some of these stories before. There are idiots stuck in chimneys, trucks overturning and scattering items all over the road, extreme home protection and wayward livestock. But we swear that none of these items have been recycled from previous shows. It’s just that history, especially the history of dumb people, likes to repeat itself. But don’t worry, because there’s plenty of new and thrilling elements to spice up our news segment. Everything from exploding tofu to gun-toting dogs to mystery metal from the sky! How’s that for exciting? So make sure you have plenty of Burger King pot on hand to keep you mellow through the rest of the show.

Luka’s Bad Movie Review for this week is Freaks (1932), which may get you thinking you’ve had a bit too much of that drive-through pot. It’s a sordid tale of emotional manipulation and cultural discrimination, and the dialogue could have dribbled out of a pulp detective novel. But what makes this film exploitive, troubling and fascinating is its real life, side show cast. The Twilight Zone-esque morality tale and shocker ending both take a back seat to the performers and the various physical challenges they have to live with. Quite P.C. for its time, this film could never be made today. Luka calls it a Good Unintentionally Bad Movie, and Skullard calls it one that will stick with you for days.

Skullard hates whistlers, which is obvious when you listen to his Ramble this week, but don’t let his unrestrained rancor fool you. As much as he seems to detest those who tunelessly twitter, he actually hates them more. More than you can imagine. More than anyone should be comfortable with. When he says he hates these assholes, he ain’t just whistling Dixie, because that’s an antiquated reference to our country’s racist, confederate past that offends him almost as much as the foul mouthed stink-generator he works next to every morning. Yeah, it gets a little personal.

Finally, worry not, oh Podcast Listener! Luka was not harmed at the end of this episode. It was all in fun, or at least that’s how we explained it after the neighbors called the police. Damned neighbors! Can’t even enjoy a little mock domestic violence without them getting their knickers in a twist. Nosey assholes.

However you might handle a chunk of metal this size smashing through your ceiling, in this apartment, we’d need to do another load of laundry. Underwear, specifically.

Waldo, the renegade bull, remains on the loose. Somehow, he lost his striped hat and glasses.

From Skullard’s Postcard Collection:

Mother: Look Junior. This is called a “Top”.

Junior: Dad says you’re a top.

Mother: That was very naughty of Daddy to say that! Mommy will have to paddle him later for being such a bad boy.

Dad: Goodie!

In this week’s educational short, Each Child Is Different (1954), teachers are warned about various life problems their students could be facing. Bullying! Domestic Abuse! Poverty! And other hilarious problems!

024 The Tractor Is Not Truly To Blame

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“Did you have a good Turkey Day?” “Did you eat too much?” “Did you watch any football?” These are among the stupid questions we were asked this week, to which the answers were all a resounding “No.” We spent Thanksgiving at the Urgent Care trying to figure out why Skullard’s back hurts every time he visits the potty. A test was run, a digit was poked into an orifice, and we were shown the door. We wanted to know if they could figure out what was wrong, if they could fix it, and if there was at the very least something they could do for the pain, to which the answers were all a resounding “No.” But you can’t go into detail like that when someone cheerily asks you, “Did you have a good Thanksgiving?” They don’t want the real story. They just want you to nod, say something pleasant, and leave all mentions of anal probing out of it. But, here you are, getting all the grim and gritty details of our lousy holiday without even asking. Just one more thing you can be thankful for this holiday season. Your welcome.

How come nobody asks, “Did you injure anybody while shopping on Friday?” The annual Black Friday violence fest has been well documented on other news outlets (yeah, like we’re a news outlet), so we tried to concentrate more on fraud cases in Miami. Old people were scammed into buying 70 years worth of special turd-busting toilet paper, which was probably called “treated bathroom tissue” to make it sound fancy-schmancy. Either way, you wipe your ass with it, Granny. Another ass was treated much worse by a tranny doctor-impersonator that charged $700 to inject super glue and “fix-a-flat” into a poor woman’s butt cheeks.

Come to think of it, the news was fairly ass-heavy this week with the “Frosty the Snowman” who kicked a police dog, the barely literate burglar who wrote a critique of his victim, and the German gynecologist who took secret photos of his patients during exams. The biggest ass of all, of course, belonged to the 400 pound Chunks Lardberger who paid for one seat and took up two, forcing the other paying customer to stand in the aisle for the entire seven hour flight. But don’t worry, the airline was able to prove they were sizable asses themselves by making it up to the inconvenienced traveler not at all. Even Greyhound knows you have to refund tickets when a bus driver wanders off into the night, stranding passengers for several hours. We’re not sure why that happened, nor are we sure why some twitchy guy left a million bucks in a suitcase in a pizza joint in Australia. Those stories you’ll just have to finish yourself. And finally, we have two stories about that special bond between young boys and their mothers, which in some cases, can best be expressed by smacking some fuckhead in the face with a board.

In 1989, when hair was huge and tasers were exciting, The Fly 2 was made. Custom made, you would think, for Luka’s Bad Movie Review, because this movie stinks like a fly’s lunch. This Lousy Unintentionally Bad Movie tried and failed to relive the glory of its predecessor through the story of Martin Brundle, “Son of the Fly”. But the milk-sop, paste-eating dweeb we’re given for a hero is such a pale reflection of his father that you end up hoping he’ll travel through the teleportation pods with anything just so he might get a personality grafted on to him. Both Luka and Skullard dig out the lulz from this cesspit so that you don’t have to get your boots dirty. Again, you’re welcome.

They say, “If you can imagine it, it exists somewhere.” Really? Luka’s going to put that theory to the test. Skullard, for his part, is going to get a towel for the water that shot out his nose.

“Those passengers on the right side of the plane can see the ground right now. On the left side, you should have a pretty good view of the sun. Would Gordo the Wonder Chub please lean to his left?”

Mmmm . . . Spudnuts! The tasty glazed treat that’s so much better than your regular doughnut. Why would you put a regular doughnut on a postcard? You wouldn’t! But that’s because they’re not Spudnuts!

In this week’s educational short; The Benefits of Looking Ahead (1950), teens ask themselves serious questions. What do I want to do with my life? Who do I want to be when I grow up? Should I try harder in shop class? Will I be a drifter or a bum?

023 With Fresh Tomatoes

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There are things man was not meant to know. Secret knowledge has been kept from the populace at large, partially for their own protection, but mostly in order to hide the world’s inner workings from the light of day. If the common folk knew what was being kept from them, there would be everything from rioting in the streets to mass suicides. Only a select, privileged few are privy to the secrets of the inner circle. But as small in number as the mysterious Secret Masters are, there are still more of them than there are people listening to our podcast. So feel special. You’re one of the What Could Go Wrong? elite, just by knowing we exist. Talk about your “secret knowledge”.

Can you believe how uptight people are these days? You put the word “sex” in a poster to put up on a courthouse wall, and some concerned citizen has a hissy fit with fresh tomatoes. It’s getting so bad that hikers can’t tromp nude across the Alps and teachers can’t put up porn sites with fresh tomatoes. Where’s the justice? Well, the justice is coming down, and hard, on the usual batch of dimwit criminals we get to talk about this week. A guy gets busted for being drunk in an “I’m A Drunk” t-shirt, a schmuck tries texting the police to score drugs, and a would-be burglar spends ten hours stuck in a chimney with fresh tomatoes. Plus, the bad guys are making it so easy for the cops to find their drugs; they’re actually gift-wrapping it with fresh tomatoes. There are a few clever folks in the news, just to reassure us that not everybody’s stupid. One guy cons his way into the best seats at a soccer match, and two Romanians turn doughnut cards into ATM cards, making them a lot of dough with fresh tomatoes. And some rage-a-holic attacks a snow plow with an ax with fresh tomatoes. How troubling is that? Almost as much as finding a severed bison head in your rock garden with fresh tomatoes. And you know what goes best with fresh tomatoes? Chicken pox lollipops. They’re the perfect treat when you’re listening to the news with fresh tomatoes.

This week’s Bad Movie Review is 1986’s The Fly with fresh . . . no, wait a second . . . flies like rotten tomatoes. We’re not sure how Rotten Tomatoes rated this movie, but Luka calls it a Great Unintentionally Bad Movie, and if you haven’t seen it yet, what’s it like being Amish? This movie is ooey-gooey, and not in that good way, which is too bad considering you get to see Gina Davis in her panties. More in the way of getting to see a baboon turned inside out. The Fly has the unique distinction of being the first film Luka has reviewed that actually won an Academy Award, so that just shows you what They know. It must have been part of the conspiracy.

Skullard’s Ramble this week is on conspiracies and the Secret Masters who hatch them. To give you fair warning, this is dangerous information that They don’t want you to know. You may be putting your life at risk just listening to it. But if you insist on hearing this garbage, remember that somewhere in the Bermuda Triangle trained agents will start monitoring your downloads . . . so easy on the porn!

You can always trust Cookie Monster. He’s not up to anything sneaky at all.

From Skullard’s Postcard Collection: Yes, he actually has a postcard with fresh tomatoes!

Are you worried about the A-Bomb? Don’t be, silly! This week’s educational short; Atomic Alert (1951) teaches children how to survive a neuclear blast by hiding under their beds. Or their coats. Also please wash your hands with laundry soap after being blown up.

022 A Shelf For My Shame

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In this, our 22nd episode, we throw caution to the wind which promptly blows it back into our face so that’s the last time we do that. Lesson learned! From here on we’ll be more careful about the things we throw and what we throw them into. For example, we’ll avoid throwing parties at kids with birthdays, throwing fits at epilectics, throwing monkey wrenches into the works or throwing our backs out with the baby and that filthy water the little brat left behind. We reserve the right, however, to throw Mama from the train because we believe in public service. And we happily throw ourselves into this week’s podcast hoping someone will just as happily throw us a rope so we can climb back out again. Will you be our little helper? C’mon, man, throw us a bone.

The Poopcycle has completed its journey! Huzzah! You know how you can tell when the Poopcycle has been through your town? Just take a good sniff, my friend. But biogas tricycles aren’t the only thing on the highways. Daredevil crooks are heisting trucks at high speeds and Good Samaratans are having heart failure. Guys are punching dogs, biting like dogs, and hiding in piles of leaves like craven mutts. Cats didn’t distinguish themselves any better this week as one poor feline spent three days atop a 30 foot cactus only to finally jump down and stagger off into the desert, which is a dire sign indeed. More dire signs include teenagers sticking up other kids for their Halloween candy, Santa Claus getting laid off by budget cuts, and a man who “makes friends” for himself with mummified corpes and blonde wigs. Feel free to shudder. But there are still heroes in the world. Jay Wornick lost 198 pounds in ten months, proving that you can change your life if you are determined. Way to go, Jay! We don’t even know you, dude, but we’re proud of you.

This week’s Bad Movie Review comes from 1973, long before Saw made hacking off a limb trendy. The Severed Arm tells the tale of a group of jerk-ass miners who get stuck in a cave in. After a week of sitting around, chewing the fat, maybe it’s time to nibble on a little lean for a change. They hack off a buddy’s arm, pass the salt and tuck in, but no sooner are they flossing their friend from between their incisors when the rescuers arrive. Turns out, Lefty is bit pissed after that, and he swears revenge. What follows is a Lousy Unintentionally Bad Movie full of revenge against former coworkers, which for once doesn’t involve a postal employee.

Ever wonder what Skullard does for a hobby? Really? You’re that bored? Anyway, it turns out he collects postcards and various resentments towards his mother, only one of which he keeps in a box. The other goes into a Mary Englebricht tin.

Hero of the Week: Jay Wornick – Before and after. Yes, it can be done.

Though most of our listeners are sad, lonely weirdos, there is a possibility that one of you will someday go on a date. But wait! What the hell should a person do on a date? Ride a bike? Dance in barn? Pull some taffy? Decorate a fucking room? For more excellent suggestions such as this, please observe this week’s educational short; What To Do On A Date (1950).

New Feature! Here’s a postcard from Skullard’s collection: How long will Bent Billy wait?

021 Stabbing Your Boots With a Hunting Knife

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Thanks to Daylight Savings, we had a whole extra hour to podcast this week. Unfortunately, we frittered that hour away making reckless love and quoting poetry. Or not. Okay, we actually sat staring at each other slowly counting to 60, 60 times in a row. The first one to yawn has to clean the litter boxes. Do we not live life to the fullest? If you can’t account for the extra hour the powers that be granted you this weekend, just say that you spent it listening to What Could Go Wrong? Podcast #021! You know they’re going to ask, so you’d better get your story straight ahead of time.

Isn’t it amazing that when a freeway is blocked by broken pumpkins, it gets cleared in time for rush hour, but when it’s doughnuts spilled all over the road, the cops take DAYS to get things cleaned up. Priorities, man, priorities. The stupid criminals this week were pretty cooperative, all things considered. One guy got arrested already wearing a prison outfit, another dropped straight through the ceiling into the waiting arms of the police, and a third dipshit just sat around watching TV until the police showed up. Actually, he watched TV until someone cracked him on the skull, knocking the guy out cold. I wonder if the knocker used one of those legalized billy clubs they’re using in church these days. Weapons are now a viable accessory to your church wardrobe in Wisconsin, allegedly. If you’re asking “What would Jesus do?” and your answer is, “Pack heat,” it may be time to go back and read that New Testament thingee. I’m just saying. The 79 year old woman in Berlin knew the right, moral thing to do when she was handed a bag full of cash instead of cold cuts. Too bad the other Berliner (isn’t that a doughnut?) couldn’t tell the difference between art and a stain on the ground. And we learn that vengeance just isn’t worth it when a sandwich maker tries to get back at a cop by tossing pubes onto his egg sandwich. Mmmmmm, pubey. Good thing he didn’t try that stunt around those mixed martial artists from Eugene, because they would have put the hurt on the jerk faster than he could slice a bagel. Allegedly.

It seems like Stephen King can’t write anything anymore without somebody trying to make a movie out of it, even if it’s a short story. The movie 1408 (2007) gives the original story more padding than an over-stuffed hotel pillow. John Cusack stumbles slack-jawed all over a haunted hotel room, gets abused by moving pictures and pleasant phone voices, and gets into the most violent, knock-down, drag-out fight ever waged against a mini-fridge. Will he survive a night in a room with a will of its own, especially considering it has access to his credit card number? Luka gives it a rating of a Good Unintentional Bad Movie for this week’s Bad Movie Review.

As we all know, our feet are two of the most under-appreciated parts our body has. It’s important to take care of them. With this in mind, Skullard abandons the silliness for once and delivers a heart-felt public service announcement on the importance of proper footwear. Sure, the podcast is supposed to be about laughing and having fun, but taking care of your feet and ankles is no laughing matter. So please, for the good of your feet and overall well-being, please take Skullard’s humble words to heart. Your tootsies will thank you.

And we finish up this episode with a double Random Encounter. Really? Double!?! What, is it your birthday or something? Look at you, making out like a bandit. Way to go, bud! You should get out there and buy a lotto ticket while you’re on a roll like this. Seriously. Just consider throwing a little of those winnings our way, since we gave you the idea. Go ahead, live a little! What could go wrong?

Next time you decide to rob a motel, make sure there isn’t a mixed martial arts convention going on. Just sayin’.

Are you walking down the street properly? Or are you some sort of moron? Find out in this week’s bonus educational short; The ABCs of Walking Wisely (1959)!

020 Millions of Pumpkins Dead

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Next to Easter, Halloween is the best holiday for candy. Sure, you can get a good variety of goodies in your Halloween swag sack, but you can’t get any Cadbury Cream Eggs. The Peeps people have come out with Ghost Peeps and Pumpkin Peeps, so just because it isn’t Easter doesn’t mean there’s a shortage of Peeps. But you have to wait on the Cream Eggs. Plus, you don’t see many jellybeans in October. They’re around, but they aren’t given out at your neighbor’s doorstep. You’re more likely to get either a Tootsie Roll that’ll break your teeth or a “Fun Size” candy bar. And who decided to call the smallest candy bars “Fun Size”? The bigger candy bars are “King Size”, and we’ve even seen some extra large Milky Way that have been promoted to “Giant”. So what is it about a candy bar that’s way less than the amount that you’d normally get “Fun”? Who’s idea was it that smaller meant “Fun”? We’re guessing it was a dude with compensation issues.

Cheap-ass dentists and truckers with unstable loads try and ruin Halloween for everybody in the news this week. Come to think of it, “unstable” could refer to quite a few of the stars from our feature stories. Managers from a pizza place try to burn down the competition. A game of Monopoly inspires the kind of violence usually reserved for religion. One guy tries to cover with his girlfriend by calling the cops on his mistress. And then we have the getaways. A skank tries to outrun the coppers wearing a G-string and a off-duty fuzz tries to ditch one that’s on-duty. Another guy tries to make his getaway on a forklift but can’t find reverse. As it turns out, the most effective way to elude the police is to hop some high school kid for a piggy-back ride. Then there’s those guys who aren’t evading anyone, what with being stuck and all. At least the guillotine isn’t stuck. That little piece of equipment is working a little too well.

This being the holiday for horror, Luka had to come up with the most horrifying film she could find for the Bad Movie Review. And so we present The Refrigerator (1991), a tale of a cold hearted killer who puts all who oppose him on ice. This is a villian so insidious that he’s willing to pay for the loyalty of his underlings with the ultimate currency: cheese. Will an out of work actress, a flaminco dancing plumber, Mysterious Tanya and some random guy be enough to stop this blood-thirsty, freyon-fueled hell-portal before it’s too late? Don’t forget your baking soda!

High School of the Dead is an anime that wants to focus on two very important things. We’re talking about the things in the front of every school girl’s blouse. But every so often, between the wiggle and its subsequent jiggle, you might just notice that there’s a Zombie Apocalypse going on. How the hell are we supposed to score with these babes with all these flesh-eating undead shambling around, killing the mood. And the neighbors. And the cops. And whatever pets are handy. Man, being a pervy kid sure is tough these days.

Hey, why don’t you leave us a comment that isn’t spam. We’ve had enough spam. We’ve gotten so much spam, we’re starting to read it on the show. At least, we’re pretty sure it’s spam. Not all that sure it’s English, truth to tell.

So, if you’re wondering how the closing for the show was supposed to go, here’s the original text:

Well, it’s time for us to end our podcast. But before we go, we want to offer our usual thanks. First, a big thank you to Kevin McLeod for providing us with our introductory music. It’s also the music we use at the end of the show. You can listen to Kevin’s music at incompetec.com. And, as always, thank you to Myk Lewis, who always makes thoughtful, understandable comments on our webpage.

If you would like to leave us a comment, or view our bonus content, please visit us at whatcouldgowrongpodcast.com. And this week’s educational short is A Word To The Wives, in which women learn how to manipulate their husbands into paying for new kitchens. Don’t miss it!

We hope all our wonderful listeners have a safe and happy Halloween. Be careful! When people in costumes come to your front door asking for treats, make sure that they are children looking for candy and not homicidal butt-fuckers.

Stay safe and have fun. We’ll see you next week. Unless, of course, something goes wrong.

Personally, I can’t really see that much of a difference. Six of one, the opposed given a half grouping.

High School of the Dead – Zombies and Tits, Zombies and Tits, I’m gonna get me some Zombies and Tits!

Petey – The runaway dog that was sent back home through the magic of microchipping!

Hey Stumpy! What the hell were ya tryin’ to do!?!

In this week’s bonus educational short, sneaky housewives trick their incompetent husbands into buying them designer kitchens. Please enjoy A Word to the Wives (1955)!

019 The Kind That Goes RrrRrr Around

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Put your clothes in the dryer, throw in a Bounce ™ sheet and insert the requisite number of quarters. Now press “Play”. It’s that time of the week when we ponder “What Could Go Wrong?” and invite you to ponder right along with us. In a week where bad news has laid a heavy hand on our spirits, we gladly bring you the stupid, the lame, the idiotic and the down-right silly. As the world goes wrong around you, relax and enjoy the small, goofy island that we’ve erected for your pleasure. (*Snerk* “Erected.” )

Sorry New Mexico, but we’re going to keep picking on you until you straighten up your act. Stop driving through pumpkin patches and stealing cow statues. It’s rude. And panty thieving? Really? Grow the hell up! You’re not ninjas, so leave the ladies understuff alone. Panties aren’t the only things getting lifted this week, though. The LAPD’s SWAT team had their guns stolen. There’s a story that’ll help you sleep at night. Don’t sleep too soundly, though, or your wife will try cutting off your head with a reciprocating saw. Why a reciprocating saw? Because it’s handy. It’s also a good idea to keep a broom handy just in case Spiderman tries to hold up your convenience store with a sword. Y’know, like he would. We talk about drug-dealing ice cream men, identical twins giving birth to bastards in tandem and high school students getting limited to three dumps per semester. And then there are the bears. A scaredy bear in the produce aisle, and a happy bear living large in the candy store. Can you say, “Om-Nom-Nom-Nom“?

The Bad Movie Review for this week is 1977’s arachnid massacre Kingdom of the Spiders starring none other than William Shatner. Shatner plays Rack Hanson – large animal veterinarian – who serves as our suave and handsome hero in this Man vs. Nature struggle against the biggest colony of poisonous, web-hyper tarantulas ever to terrorize a small town full of inbred hicks. Thrill to sight of hundreds of innocent spiders, many of which only got their SAG cards the day before, getting squished by ignorant townsfolk. Luckily, the spiders get some of their own back as they kill some of the hillbillies, but don’t worry – no humans were harmed in the making of this film. Eight-legged body count aside, this movie is one of Luka’s favorites, and earns the rank of Good Unintentionally Bad Movie.

No anime this week? Well, maybe that’s because we’ve been glued to our TV, watching the latest season of shows. There’s actually some stuff coming out that has pulled us away from Japanese animation, and we take the time to talk about it. We discuss the latest seasons of House, Dexter, and The Walking Dead. And we also share our thoughts on the new series Homeland and An American Horror Story.

Oh, so that’s what it looks like!

Behold! Adorable fuzzy-wuzz tarantulas pretend to kill people, and then are actually killed themselves. Poor little things.

Hey, douchebag! Be more polite! This week’s bonus educational short Mind Your Manners (1953) will teach you how to act like a gentleman, so girls will think good things about you. Yes, even your sister.

018 Fire Is Not the Solution

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Mocking John Hughes and New Mexican cities,
Capsules of foam shapes and cute “Skello Kitties”,
Dirty commercials about chicken wings,
These are a few of our favorite things.

Feeling well and lookin’ swell, we jump back behind the microphones with vim, vigor and vitality. Guess who’s been taking their vitamins. What Could Go Wrong? has come back from the brink of the sniffles to deliver a full-throated, well-seasoned and somewhat pre-planned podcast episode. I know you were worried after last week that our colds might in some way rob us of our mojo. Not to worry! We can whip up more mojo quicker than most people can deliver instant pudding, and we do it in a wider variety of flavors as well. Take that Jell-O tm!

What would you do if we weren’t here to tell you all (well, some) of the previous week’s stupid news? Don’t think about that question too hard. Sorry I brought it up, actually. But still, ain’t ya glad ya heard all the garbage we read about this week? More thieves getting caught because of Facebook and potheads busted on Craigslist. Cheating athletes, cheating pastors and a man so scared his partner is cheating on him, he calls in a bomb threat. Smugglers weaponize bee hives (seriously, when’s the last time you read those words?). And old people unknowingly get stoned at a funeral. While on the subject of stoners, Luka and Skullard reminisce about “Bogart’s Pizza”, the most obvious drug front ever busted in the Great White North.

Eaten Alive (1977) makes a surprise appearance in this week’s Bad Movie Review, which is almost as big of a surprise that it got made at all. Meet Judd, the friendly small town inn-keep who’s down home charm and crates of dead monkeys brings the runaway hookers and abused spouses into his motel in droves. And a handy combination of farm implements and La Crocodile de la Mort makes sure that once they check in, they don’t check out. You can always trust a one-legged hillbilly motel manager to make sound judgments on the character of his guests and act accordingly. What could go wrong?

Hell Girl is one of the top anime favorites of both Skullard and Luka, and it’s a privilege to talk about it. Beautiful and creepy, this show delivers episode after episode of solid vengeance and retribution . . . but at a steep price. Would you be willing to trade your eternal soul for instant revenge on your enemy? Hell Girl lets you meet the people ready to take that deal, and the strange figures who are able to make that trade happen.

This week’s random encounter is a bit shocking, I must warn you. Luka gets asked about her most intimate sexual fantasies. Her answer may well shock you.

And finally, this is our first week with our brand new sponsor! Do yourself a favor and dig in to extra helpings of this fine and wholesome product.

Hell Girl – Spooky, lovely vengence.

You know that stupid guy everyone hates? Let’s teach him some fucking manners! Helping Johnny Remember (1956) puts kids in their damn place and teaches everyone else some helpful hand signals.

017 That’s Gonna Happen With Anything

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Let’s see . . . groceries, laundry, roleplaying . . . what are we forgeting? PODCAST! If you’ve ever suffered from a cold to the extent that you use your affliction as an excuse for sub-standard performance, boy do we have an episode you. The both of us are sick as dogs, one being an adorable little lap dog you want to pet, the other being a mangey mutt with toilet water breath. Sure, we could have used ill health as an excuse to drop the podcast altogether for a week, but how much more fun is it to forge ahead with a “fuck it” attitude and blame any shortcomings on a cold-addled head? The way we see it, being sick is license to be even more relaxed with a podcast that raised the concept of relaxed standards to new heights. So come along with us, beloved listeners. Stick us in your ears, and we promise only our silliness will be infectious.

Hey Barney! What’s up with Albuquerque this week, huh? Fake cops, severed goat heads and the yogurt/semen guy have really put your town on the map this week. We won’t lump that Facebook idiot from Carlsbad in with you, but all things considered, the Land of Enchantment seems like a frightening place. But at least in New Mexico you won’t have a turkey dropping on you from a low-flying plane. Hey Yellville, Arkansas . . . GO FUCK YOURSELVES! Don’t worry, though, because we’re calling out California for a couple of their stellar citizens as well. We never have a shortage of stories about criminals being assholes, and stupid assholes at that.

This week’s Bad Movie Review is the best way to experience the 1964 suck-fest that was re-marketed as I Eat Your Skin. It’s a zombie movie with more dancing than violence and more sexism than dancing. And there’s no skin eating. Sure, a couple of people suck each other’s faces, but no actual chewing came into play. Maybe if it had, there could have been a story there. What was the point of even making this film? I don’t know . . .

This week’s Random Encounter came from a rare cleaning event right here in the appartment, which is amazing enough! Luka shares with you some of the grilling she experienced at the hands of the Department of Homeland Security. Does this crack agency and its questionaires make you feel safer? Check either “Yes” or “No”.

Who is that? What’s that noise? What the fuck is going on around here? Is this a montage from I Eat Your Skin or isn’t it? I DON’T KNOW!

What would society be like if there were no rules? Would it be fun, or would be all perish in flames? Find out in this week’s bonus educational short; A Holiday From Rules (1959)!