070 Santa Is On My Hit List

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Ho ho ho ho! It is apparently the season to be jolly, fa la la la la, blah blah blah blah. What Could Go Wrong?, however, is too busy to prance about like Santa’s sissy reindeer. Skullard is working thirteen hour days six days a week, and Luka is going mad with insomnia. But even such horrid hinderences shall not stop an extra merry holiday podcast from flying through the internet and into your brains. Well, maybe not “extra merry”. More like “super ragey”. But it’s all good, right? So shut your yuletite holes and deck the fucking halls. Christmas time is here!

In this week’s Bad Movie Review, Luka pisses on Santa’s Slay (2005), a Lousy Intentionally Bad horror comedy starring former professional wrestler Bill Goldberg. The poor jokes and pointless violence eventually escalate to a terrifying curling match, which should not be seen to be believed. Seriously, this movie’s only worth about five minutes of your time. Or maybe not. Cross it off your list. It’s been naughty and disappointing.

“Hey Mum! Could you look in my drawer for my socks?”
“AIEEEEEEEE!”

“Hey, look Mommy! There’s a bird on the roof!”
“AIEEEEEEEE!”

Girl in the mail room: “Um, do we have a Henry Jones on faculty?”
Short Round: “You call him Doctor Jones, doll!”

Behold! A Christmas educational short, in which a lowly little tree with poor self esteem gets a holiday surpise – being murdered by a wood-cutter! Join in the no account fun with A Christmas Rhapsody (1948)!

From Skullard’s Postcard Collection: I think this card says it well. Have a fine holiday . . . despite everything.

WCGW Needs A Time Out

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Somewhere between the crush of the Holiday delivery rush and the quiet brutality of sleepless nights, we gots nuttin’ left. We want to give you our best, and you deserve better than the half-assed mumbling of tired people. And let’s face it, the news isn’t anything to laugh about right now. So let’s tell you about next week:

BIG CHRISTMAS EPISODE NEXT WEEK! With lot’s of added silliness for your Yuletide pleasure, we’re planning to give you something to listen to even more ridiculous than those fucking relatives you’re stuck making happy-talk with every year.

In the meantime . . . more wisdom from Fat Nyan!

069 Might As Well

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According to the neighbors, What Could Go Wrong? was always a quiet, polite podcast. Never said much, just kept to themselves, never caused any trouble. Sure, they got a lot of boxes delivered, but no one paid much attention to that. And they rarely left the appartment. Coworkers said pretty much the same, only adding that sometimes WCGW seemed distracted. Looking back, some recalled a vacant, faraway gaze, often accompanied by soundless, moving lips that seemed to be speaking to someone that wasn’t there. WCGW seemed a little awkward in direct discussions and wouldn’t meet the eye. Some other podcasts called WCGW a loner, a bit of a recluse, but WCGW didn’t care what the other podcasts said or thought. WCGW had a plan. WCGW could be patient. WCGW could bide it’s time and wait for the perfect moment . . . the moment when no one suspected a thing. And then, when the rest of the cruel, uncaring world had it’s guard down What Could Go Wrong? struck, swiftly and decisively. They put out . . . ANOTHER EPISODE! Because, really, might as well, right? What could go wrong?

Here’s a fuzzy picture taken on the sly of the Maine Mall Santa of South Portland. He doesn’t allow pictures unless you pony up the $20. Nor does he allow lap sitting. As for the holiday wishes of children, we believe his quote was, “Yeah, yeah . . . whatever.” Merry fuckin’ Christmas.

Jared Gurman shot his girlfriend because she thought The Walking Dead was unrealistic. Is anyone going to take shots at us, because we think the idea of this man having a girlfriend is unrealistic?

Princess Mette-Marit of Norway: it’s always gratifying to find out that one of the “Beautiful People” is actually a beautiful person.

All the pretty Kitties wonder how Amazon gets off calling this “gift wrapping”.

Alchemy Divine is an Etsy shop with beautiful handmade jewelry and snazzy cool things. Click this link and check ’em out! You’ll be surprised at what you find.

Kevin MacLeod of incompetec.com gives you some fine music to stroll by. Not “stroll by” in the sense you walk past it, but, y’know, music for strolling. Too much in a hurry to stroll? Who’s fault is that?

Are you the kind of asshole who would steal a baby Jesus and give some poor kid an American Football that she didn’t even want? Will you steal from the Salvation Army? Will you report prostitutes to the police for not blowing you long enough? Find out in this week’s enlightening educational short; Am I Trustworthy (1950)!

From Skullard’s Postcard Collection: This week’s special guest star was God’s favorite son, Jesus. Here’s a guy who’s done it all: carpentry, social work, public speaking, health care, donkey theft, catering, sailing without a boat, exorcism, bank reform, day care, wine making, fortune telling and transfiguration. And yet he still finds the time to direct traffic for hipsters. All in all, not a bad guy.

068 There’s A Hole

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This just in: There’s a speck on the flea on the tail on the frog on the bump on the log in the hole in the bottom of the sea. Our crack team of experts are on location, braving the myriad dangers of deep sea exploration, trying to determine if there may be something on the speck. Meanwhile, a noted zoologist from Oslo has put forward the theory that the frog may not be a frog at all considering it’s able to withstand the immense, crushing pressure of the sea bottom, not to mention it has a fucking tail. A Mrs. Helen Torquette of Gorsen, KY claims the log is actually hers and was stolen some months ago by, in her words, “Them transients what park their RVs up the road next to Neta’s place. Never did trust the likes of them, and now they done took my log.” Deputy Alan Morse disputes Mrs. Torquette’s claim, stating, “Helen’s a damn nut. She’s still got her log. It’s propping up her husband Gary’s El Camino in their front yard. I doubt she’s missing any of her fleas either.” And Rev. Enoch Terse, pastor of the First Evangelical Free Congregational Four Cornered Church of the Fucked, has started an online petition to halt any removal of the log from the hole. “Dat log was put there by God Hisself!” explains Rev. Terse. “What God chooses ta plug up da sea with, man should never go and unplug. Can I get an AMEN? And what’s gonna happen iffin’ man, with his science and his pride, goes an’ unplugs the ocean? The sea, it’s gonna drain away! All the fishes is gonna go down the hole! We ain’t gonna got no sea, and we ain’t gonna got no fishes, and God’s blue ocean is gonna be gone! And what’s man gonna say? Is the science man gonna take responsibility that there ain’t no fish no more? No! He’s gonna say it’s global warmin’, the Devil’s own lie! We can’t let that happen, AMEN? Are we gonna let them touch one speck on one flea on one tail on one frog on one bump of that log? Great God Almighty, no!”

What Could Go Wrong? will continue to follow this story as it develops.

Luka gives two thumbs (and hooves) up to this week’s Good Intentionally Bad Movie, Black Sheep (2006). Have you ever wondered who would win the battle if sheep decided to turn on mankind? Find out, stupid! You can start by watching this exciting trailer:

Dazzling the stage with his prissy transformation comes Star Driver‘s Galactic Pretty Boy! Beware, or he’ll tjuzs you to death!

Minnesota’s Moon Rocks encased in a lucite globe. How the blazes do you lose MOON ROCKS, you entitled bitches!?!

In this week’s helpful educational short, a rotten kid and his scumbag friends throw rocks through windows. Was that a good thing to do, or a bad thing to do? Should the culprits be punished, or should their parents and pastors protect them from the consequences or their idiotic actions? You’ll be on the edge of your seat for Right or Wrong (1951)!

Once again, Kevin MacLeod provides the perfect soundtrack. Planning on a friendly bit of safe cracking or second-story work? Hit play, think sneaky, and get busy.

From Skullard’s Postcard Collection: Want to take a stab at challenging Luka’s mad skills on Hello Kitty’s Cafe? I suggest you start training now with this informative correspondence course. Buster, you’re going to need all the help you can get.

067 Freezing

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Here at What Could Go Wrong? we believe in climate change. Of more immediate importance though, at least to us, is climate control. We turn up the thermostat . . . and nothing happens. We jiggle the thermostat, still nothing. We take the casing off, fiddle with things we know not, and fuck all happens. We swear at it through chattering teeth and it just hangs there, heedless on the wall. Perhaps it’s frozen there? We know a thing or two about freezing ever since the heat went out. Not a word from the landlord; not a peep from the property managers. It’s like we’ve been left out on an ice flow, alone and forgotten. Luckily, the stove still works. Boiling water may be muggy and coat all the windows with condensation, but at least we’re not encased in ice. Oh, and soundboard’s working too, so that means we can keep ourself warm by working up a sweat over this latest episode. Hopefully by next week Demon Lord Dante studios (Demon Lord Dante?) will be habitable again. In fact, we’re sure it will! C’mon, what could go wrong? No, really . . . what?

Tormented (1960) is a great film about a rotten guy who shoves his mistress off a light house. Unfortunately for him, she comes back from her watery grave to nag him to death. That’s a helluva way to go . . . either time! This Good Unintentionally Bad Movie is one Luka has enjoyed many times. Let’s face it, the undead nattering of spurned harlots never gets old. Please enjoy this scene wherein Tom (that jerk!) takes the direct approach with Vi’s disembodied head that refuses to shut the hell up.

Don’t agree with our suggestion that Christmas is the holiday of Greed? Here’s some footage of Black Fridays past that may bolster our assertion. WARNING: this video contains disturbing images of people allowed to vote and have children.

Do the other kids invite you to their lunch table? Do you get invited to weenie roasts? Do you look well? ARE YOU POPULAR? Find out by watching this week’s Educational Short! Or don’t. What the fuck do we care? It’s not like you ever invited us to YOUR weenie roasts. We don’t even eat weenies, so who gives a shit? Think we give a crap about sitting at your lousey table? Fuck you.

From Skullard’s Postcard Collection: Geez, everybody’s getting a head this week.

066 It’s All Gravy

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As you sit around the jolly dinner table, surrounded by your loved ones, never forget – one day they will all be dead. Anyone and everyone who matters to you will be a fetid, rotting corpse, infested with maggots and crawling with worms. The flesh will fall from their decaying skeleton like the sumptuous flesh from the juicy turkey that you are about to enjoy together. Don’t kid yourself. This goes for your children, too. You may imagine a bright and beautiful future for them, but their ultimate fate is to suffer and rot, and no amount of tears or prayers will changce that. There is no heaven, no blissful reunion, no hope of repieve. There is only the certainty of the grave.

Thankskilling (2009) is quite the Lousy Intentionally Bad Movie according to Luka’s Bad Movie Review. In fact, it shouldn’t be called so much a review as a warning to the unwary veiwer. Someone might unwittingly assume that a film built around a turkey puppet that carries out a five century old Native American curse by savagely butchering unexpecting holiday diners might be a bit of a larf. Larf elsewhere, dear listeners. When parody fails, it’s never pretty.

These ragamuffins were able to get 110,000 “Likes”. Meet the future of online marketing.

It’s time for an incipid short about one of the nicest days of the year; Thanksgiving. There’s the smell of turkey and happiness in the air and all that crap. Don’t you just want to dive right in and gobble down everything in sight? But wait! What about your precious table manners? Don’t you know that being polite makes everything more fun? Please become inspired by this week’s holiday-themed educational short; Dining Together (1951)!

From Skullard’s Postcard Collection: What, you didn’t think I had a Thanksgiving-appropriate postcard in my pile? How little you know me.

065 We Have A Whole New Level Of Injustice Here

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We came back from our vacation with a trunk load of tales to tell, as if you cared. So much so that we had no time to include any news in our podcast, as if that mattered. But during a week in which there were the aftermaths of both major storm devastation and a presidential election, we figured you’d had enough news. Instead, we offer you full coverage of what happens when Skullard and Luka are freed of responsiblity and have a little money in their pocket. Let other podcasts delve into the arcane demographics of exit polls and Super PACs; only What Could Go Wrong? gives you the inside story of the Magical Princess at Hello Kitty’s birthday party.

Behold, the greatest hat Luka never bought: Trinket! If you have a spare $350 laying around, this could be the lid for you.

Passion Cake . . . the dessert that makes Luka, um, very happy.

Want to see the true depths of Republican Butthurt? Check out the White People Mourning Romney Tumblr.

Wait, who’s that at the door? It’s this week’s bad movie, The Screaming Skull (1958)! Noooo!!!! I eventually see it!

Isn’t it nice to be nice to people? And if we’re nice and treat people nicely, then they will be nice to us! Wouldn’t that be nice? Learn how with this week’s nice educational short; The Fun of Being Thoughtful (1950)!

From Skullard’s Postcard Collection: After all our talk about the Mall of America and the election, I thought this postcard combined both elements perfectly.

Bonus Postcard! So, 2016? Too soon?

Vacation! Away With Us!

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Luka and Skullard have hit the road in their trusty Honda Civic, blazing down the highway at a fearsome 60 mph traffic allowing. It is a pilgrimage of the faithful to meet Hello Kitty herself in all her cute and fuzzy glory. Wish us luck in this endeavor fraught with hotel reservations, gas station bathrooms, fat tourists and children we care not a wit for. This, of course, means NO SHOW this weekend, but NEXT WEEK we’ll be able to astound you with full details of everything that went wrong on the trip. What Could Go Wrong? Well . . . you obviously don’t know us very well, do you?

064 Proof of My Evil

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Who doesn’t love Halloween? Sure, Christmas gets a lot of attention because it takes the most planning, but unless you’re a mall Santa, there’s not a lot of chance to play dress-up. Halloween is a chance to act silly because you’re not really being yourself. You would never jump out from a bush and yell “BLAAARGH!” . . . but a goofy pirate might. You would never drink too much and go home with that guy, but Sexy Alice in Wonderland is in the mood for a tumble down the rabbit hole. Go ahead Sponge Bob, eat that huge bag of candy. You’ll still fit into those square pants tomorrow. It’s fun to pretend we’re someone else, especially someone who doesn’t exist, because it takes that whole burden of responsibility off for a while. Wear the mask, have some fun, then go back to boring old “real life” November 1st. And if your costume lends itself to making a specific lasting impression, by all means go for it. If you’re dressing up as John Dillinger, make sure to stop in at the bank. If you’re a mad bomber, see if you can make it through airport security. If you’re dressed as a pimp, slap a bitch. If you’re dressing up as a priest or scout leader . . . may we suggest a different costume. You can only take this “It wasn’t me, it was the outfit” garbage just so far, right?

In this week’s Bad Movie Review, Luka goes back to 2003 and takes a Wrong Turn (see what we did there?). You may not have seen this movie, but you’ve definitly seen it before. A carload of attractive college students are on a Spring break road trip and decide to take a short cut, right? Sound familiar? And they stop at a gas station an get directions from a vaguely threatening backwoods hick? Of course they do. Then they run over a spiked chain that blows out their tires and they end up being picked off, one by one, by a family of inbred cannibals. Yadda-yadda, la-dee-da, pass the popcorn, we’ve been down this old dirt road before. This time our usual vile villains are a trio of deformed brothers by the names of One-Eye, Three-Fingers and Sawtooth (or the Artist Formerly Known As Fuckface). Like any teen-screamer, Wrong Turn has had more the necessary amount of sequels and prequels, usually released directly to video. All of these are your standard, run-of-the-mill, snark worthy fare. In other words, get your snacks, get comfy, and get ready to point and laugh.

We took a short detour down Halloween Movie Memory Lane. Here are some sentimental favorites from years gone by:

Mockingbird Lane: Well, it was going to be a pilot for a new series, but now they’re calling it a “Halloween Special”. Take our word for it, this is no Great Pumpkin. Oh Eddie . . .

If you aren’t doing anything fun for Halloween this year, why not make yourself feel better by laughing at this stupid family and their potentially rabid dog? Please enjoy the low-income thrills of Halloween Party (1953)!

From Skullard’s Postcard Collection: This one’s a classic. Mine’s only a copy and I wish I had an original, but I adore the silliness of it. That witch must be driving like a maniac, because all the veggies look scared shitless. Hell, the pickle fell out! That’s what you get for not buckling up, ya briney bastard! And is it just me, or does that car’s smile remind anyone else of Speed-Buggy? “A-ROOMA-ZOOM-ZOOM!”

063 Fifty Dollar Dog

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Make no mistake, we podcast from the Greatest County In The World. Or do we? As it turns out, the U.S. has fallen behind China in per capita beer consumption (GASP!). Sure, we’re still #1 when it comes to incarceration rates, but we’re only fifth in executions. No wonder we’re going broke! China, Iran, Iraq and Saudi Arabia are all probably laughing at us that we bother feeding so many prisoners. “Less feedin’ and more bleedin’,” they say. We’re in the top tier of countries when it comes to human trafficking, but you’d never know that because we rank 24th in freedom of the press. AND 59th in percentage of men circumcised, so take that, you putzes! Our infrastructure is ranked 23rd in the world and our health system is ranked 37th, but somehow we’re still number one in gun deaths, so at least we have our priorities straight. In fact, we have the highest death rate for young people in the civilized world, so suck on that Finland! We’re 33rd in educational performance, but how were you supposed to know that? It’s a miracle you can even read! I guess we’re not doing too bad since on the Index of Global Wellbeing we reached #14. Denmark was #1. So the answer is simple: look at what they’re doing right and see what we can incorporate into our . . . aw, fuck it. Let’s just march in there and force them to give us the good life. That’s how we do things around here. U-S-A! U-S-A!

In 1992, before rings and hobbits and giant apes, Peter Jackson gave us the Sumatran Rat Monkey (TM). This adorable critter put the bite on an over-baring mother and, next thing you know, we get Dead Alive! This is one of the few truly Great Intentionally Bad Movies, and it is an over-the-top slop-o-rama. The S.R.M. (as he’s known to his friends) carries one of the nastiest zombie viruses you’ve ever seen, and Mommy Dearest gets a full dose and begins the plague to end all plagues. Pretty soon “Home Sweet Home” becomes zombie central, and it falls to Mommy’s obedient son and his button-cute girlfriend to destroy all dead that walk. Problem is, it takes more than a shot to the head to put these things down . . . you have to liquify them. And you thought a lawn-mower was just for mowing lawns, didn’t you? Don’t miss this one, if you can stomach all the blood, puss, bile, mucous and generalized glop in bucketfuls.

Wanna see the zombie baby fist fight? Myk Lewis dug us up this clip. Dig it!

CLICK HERE to learn about the strange death of Alfalfa! (Big thanks to neatorama.com!)

The Walking Dead – Season 3: A hack-and-slash opener with shocks and surprises. Sadly, still no showers.

American Horror Story Asylum: An amazing cast with almost too much to do . . . plus a unexpected flash of nun-butt.

Beauty and the Beast: A creature this hideous stretches the limits of credulity, and we’re not talking about the “Beast”. How does this shit get on the air!?!

Do you ever wish your family would fuck off? Well, little do you realize that if they ever did, you would immediately become lonely and starving, waiting at the door for them to return like some wretched dog. Please become enlightened by this week’s incipid educational short; Friendship Begins at Home (1949)!

From Skullard’s Postcard Collection: “Bil Mathiason, Double-A Breeder of Chatwich Basset Hounds, here seen in full uniform along with 3-time state champion winner ‘GOOGS’ – the real force behind the enterprise.” If you ever wondered why I didn’t follow my dream of being a Double-A Breeder, now you know . . . I couldn’t afford the uniform. Sadly, I wasted all my funds on dental work.