Category Archives: odd news

069 Might As Well

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According to the neighbors, What Could Go Wrong? was always a quiet, polite podcast. Never said much, just kept to themselves, never caused any trouble. Sure, they got a lot of boxes delivered, but no one paid much attention to that. And they rarely left the appartment. Coworkers said pretty much the same, only adding that sometimes WCGW seemed distracted. Looking back, some recalled a vacant, faraway gaze, often accompanied by soundless, moving lips that seemed to be speaking to someone that wasn’t there. WCGW seemed a little awkward in direct discussions and wouldn’t meet the eye. Some other podcasts called WCGW a loner, a bit of a recluse, but WCGW didn’t care what the other podcasts said or thought. WCGW had a plan. WCGW could be patient. WCGW could bide it’s time and wait for the perfect moment . . . the moment when no one suspected a thing. And then, when the rest of the cruel, uncaring world had it’s guard down What Could Go Wrong? struck, swiftly and decisively. They put out . . . ANOTHER EPISODE! Because, really, might as well, right? What could go wrong?

Here’s a fuzzy picture taken on the sly of the Maine Mall Santa of South Portland. He doesn’t allow pictures unless you pony up the $20. Nor does he allow lap sitting. As for the holiday wishes of children, we believe his quote was, “Yeah, yeah . . . whatever.” Merry fuckin’ Christmas.

Jared Gurman shot his girlfriend because she thought The Walking Dead was unrealistic. Is anyone going to take shots at us, because we think the idea of this man having a girlfriend is unrealistic?

Princess Mette-Marit of Norway: it’s always gratifying to find out that one of the “Beautiful People” is actually a beautiful person.

All the pretty Kitties wonder how Amazon gets off calling this “gift wrapping”.

Alchemy Divine is an Etsy shop with beautiful handmade jewelry and snazzy cool things. Click this link and check ’em out! You’ll be surprised at what you find.

Kevin MacLeod of incompetec.com gives you some fine music to stroll by. Not “stroll by” in the sense you walk past it, but, y’know, music for strolling. Too much in a hurry to stroll? Who’s fault is that?

Are you the kind of asshole who would steal a baby Jesus and give some poor kid an American Football that she didn’t even want? Will you steal from the Salvation Army? Will you report prostitutes to the police for not blowing you long enough? Find out in this week’s enlightening educational short; Am I Trustworthy (1950)!

From Skullard’s Postcard Collection: This week’s special guest star was God’s favorite son, Jesus. Here’s a guy who’s done it all: carpentry, social work, public speaking, health care, donkey theft, catering, sailing without a boat, exorcism, bank reform, day care, wine making, fortune telling and transfiguration. And yet he still finds the time to direct traffic for hipsters. All in all, not a bad guy.

068 There’s A Hole

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This just in: There’s a speck on the flea on the tail on the frog on the bump on the log in the hole in the bottom of the sea. Our crack team of experts are on location, braving the myriad dangers of deep sea exploration, trying to determine if there may be something on the speck. Meanwhile, a noted zoologist from Oslo has put forward the theory that the frog may not be a frog at all considering it’s able to withstand the immense, crushing pressure of the sea bottom, not to mention it has a fucking tail. A Mrs. Helen Torquette of Gorsen, KY claims the log is actually hers and was stolen some months ago by, in her words, “Them transients what park their RVs up the road next to Neta’s place. Never did trust the likes of them, and now they done took my log.” Deputy Alan Morse disputes Mrs. Torquette’s claim, stating, “Helen’s a damn nut. She’s still got her log. It’s propping up her husband Gary’s El Camino in their front yard. I doubt she’s missing any of her fleas either.” And Rev. Enoch Terse, pastor of the First Evangelical Free Congregational Four Cornered Church of the Fucked, has started an online petition to halt any removal of the log from the hole. “Dat log was put there by God Hisself!” explains Rev. Terse. “What God chooses ta plug up da sea with, man should never go and unplug. Can I get an AMEN? And what’s gonna happen iffin’ man, with his science and his pride, goes an’ unplugs the ocean? The sea, it’s gonna drain away! All the fishes is gonna go down the hole! We ain’t gonna got no sea, and we ain’t gonna got no fishes, and God’s blue ocean is gonna be gone! And what’s man gonna say? Is the science man gonna take responsibility that there ain’t no fish no more? No! He’s gonna say it’s global warmin’, the Devil’s own lie! We can’t let that happen, AMEN? Are we gonna let them touch one speck on one flea on one tail on one frog on one bump of that log? Great God Almighty, no!”

What Could Go Wrong? will continue to follow this story as it develops.

Luka gives two thumbs (and hooves) up to this week’s Good Intentionally Bad Movie, Black Sheep (2006). Have you ever wondered who would win the battle if sheep decided to turn on mankind? Find out, stupid! You can start by watching this exciting trailer:

Dazzling the stage with his prissy transformation comes Star Driver‘s Galactic Pretty Boy! Beware, or he’ll tjuzs you to death!

Minnesota’s Moon Rocks encased in a lucite globe. How the blazes do you lose MOON ROCKS, you entitled bitches!?!

In this week’s helpful educational short, a rotten kid and his scumbag friends throw rocks through windows. Was that a good thing to do, or a bad thing to do? Should the culprits be punished, or should their parents and pastors protect them from the consequences or their idiotic actions? You’ll be on the edge of your seat for Right or Wrong (1951)!

Once again, Kevin MacLeod provides the perfect soundtrack. Planning on a friendly bit of safe cracking or second-story work? Hit play, think sneaky, and get busy.

From Skullard’s Postcard Collection: Want to take a stab at challenging Luka’s mad skills on Hello Kitty’s Cafe? I suggest you start training now with this informative correspondence course. Buster, you’re going to need all the help you can get.

067 Freezing

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Here at What Could Go Wrong? we believe in climate change. Of more immediate importance though, at least to us, is climate control. We turn up the thermostat . . . and nothing happens. We jiggle the thermostat, still nothing. We take the casing off, fiddle with things we know not, and fuck all happens. We swear at it through chattering teeth and it just hangs there, heedless on the wall. Perhaps it’s frozen there? We know a thing or two about freezing ever since the heat went out. Not a word from the landlord; not a peep from the property managers. It’s like we’ve been left out on an ice flow, alone and forgotten. Luckily, the stove still works. Boiling water may be muggy and coat all the windows with condensation, but at least we’re not encased in ice. Oh, and soundboard’s working too, so that means we can keep ourself warm by working up a sweat over this latest episode. Hopefully by next week Demon Lord Dante studios (Demon Lord Dante?) will be habitable again. In fact, we’re sure it will! C’mon, what could go wrong? No, really . . . what?

Tormented (1960) is a great film about a rotten guy who shoves his mistress off a light house. Unfortunately for him, she comes back from her watery grave to nag him to death. That’s a helluva way to go . . . either time! This Good Unintentionally Bad Movie is one Luka has enjoyed many times. Let’s face it, the undead nattering of spurned harlots never gets old. Please enjoy this scene wherein Tom (that jerk!) takes the direct approach with Vi’s disembodied head that refuses to shut the hell up.

Don’t agree with our suggestion that Christmas is the holiday of Greed? Here’s some footage of Black Fridays past that may bolster our assertion. WARNING: this video contains disturbing images of people allowed to vote and have children.

Do the other kids invite you to their lunch table? Do you get invited to weenie roasts? Do you look well? ARE YOU POPULAR? Find out by watching this week’s Educational Short! Or don’t. What the fuck do we care? It’s not like you ever invited us to YOUR weenie roasts. We don’t even eat weenies, so who gives a shit? Think we give a crap about sitting at your lousey table? Fuck you.

From Skullard’s Postcard Collection: Geez, everybody’s getting a head this week.

066 It’s All Gravy

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As you sit around the jolly dinner table, surrounded by your loved ones, never forget – one day they will all be dead. Anyone and everyone who matters to you will be a fetid, rotting corpse, infested with maggots and crawling with worms. The flesh will fall from their decaying skeleton like the sumptuous flesh from the juicy turkey that you are about to enjoy together. Don’t kid yourself. This goes for your children, too. You may imagine a bright and beautiful future for them, but their ultimate fate is to suffer and rot, and no amount of tears or prayers will changce that. There is no heaven, no blissful reunion, no hope of repieve. There is only the certainty of the grave.

Thankskilling (2009) is quite the Lousy Intentionally Bad Movie according to Luka’s Bad Movie Review. In fact, it shouldn’t be called so much a review as a warning to the unwary veiwer. Someone might unwittingly assume that a film built around a turkey puppet that carries out a five century old Native American curse by savagely butchering unexpecting holiday diners might be a bit of a larf. Larf elsewhere, dear listeners. When parody fails, it’s never pretty.

These ragamuffins were able to get 110,000 “Likes”. Meet the future of online marketing.

It’s time for an incipid short about one of the nicest days of the year; Thanksgiving. There’s the smell of turkey and happiness in the air and all that crap. Don’t you just want to dive right in and gobble down everything in sight? But wait! What about your precious table manners? Don’t you know that being polite makes everything more fun? Please become inspired by this week’s holiday-themed educational short; Dining Together (1951)!

From Skullard’s Postcard Collection: What, you didn’t think I had a Thanksgiving-appropriate postcard in my pile? How little you know me.

064 Proof of My Evil

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Who doesn’t love Halloween? Sure, Christmas gets a lot of attention because it takes the most planning, but unless you’re a mall Santa, there’s not a lot of chance to play dress-up. Halloween is a chance to act silly because you’re not really being yourself. You would never jump out from a bush and yell “BLAAARGH!” . . . but a goofy pirate might. You would never drink too much and go home with that guy, but Sexy Alice in Wonderland is in the mood for a tumble down the rabbit hole. Go ahead Sponge Bob, eat that huge bag of candy. You’ll still fit into those square pants tomorrow. It’s fun to pretend we’re someone else, especially someone who doesn’t exist, because it takes that whole burden of responsibility off for a while. Wear the mask, have some fun, then go back to boring old “real life” November 1st. And if your costume lends itself to making a specific lasting impression, by all means go for it. If you’re dressing up as John Dillinger, make sure to stop in at the bank. If you’re a mad bomber, see if you can make it through airport security. If you’re dressed as a pimp, slap a bitch. If you’re dressing up as a priest or scout leader . . . may we suggest a different costume. You can only take this “It wasn’t me, it was the outfit” garbage just so far, right?

In this week’s Bad Movie Review, Luka goes back to 2003 and takes a Wrong Turn (see what we did there?). You may not have seen this movie, but you’ve definitly seen it before. A carload of attractive college students are on a Spring break road trip and decide to take a short cut, right? Sound familiar? And they stop at a gas station an get directions from a vaguely threatening backwoods hick? Of course they do. Then they run over a spiked chain that blows out their tires and they end up being picked off, one by one, by a family of inbred cannibals. Yadda-yadda, la-dee-da, pass the popcorn, we’ve been down this old dirt road before. This time our usual vile villains are a trio of deformed brothers by the names of One-Eye, Three-Fingers and Sawtooth (or the Artist Formerly Known As Fuckface). Like any teen-screamer, Wrong Turn has had more the necessary amount of sequels and prequels, usually released directly to video. All of these are your standard, run-of-the-mill, snark worthy fare. In other words, get your snacks, get comfy, and get ready to point and laugh.

We took a short detour down Halloween Movie Memory Lane. Here are some sentimental favorites from years gone by:

Mockingbird Lane: Well, it was going to be a pilot for a new series, but now they’re calling it a “Halloween Special”. Take our word for it, this is no Great Pumpkin. Oh Eddie . . .

If you aren’t doing anything fun for Halloween this year, why not make yourself feel better by laughing at this stupid family and their potentially rabid dog? Please enjoy the low-income thrills of Halloween Party (1953)!

From Skullard’s Postcard Collection: This one’s a classic. Mine’s only a copy and I wish I had an original, but I adore the silliness of it. That witch must be driving like a maniac, because all the veggies look scared shitless. Hell, the pickle fell out! That’s what you get for not buckling up, ya briney bastard! And is it just me, or does that car’s smile remind anyone else of Speed-Buggy? “A-ROOMA-ZOOM-ZOOM!”

063 Fifty Dollar Dog

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Make no mistake, we podcast from the Greatest County In The World. Or do we? As it turns out, the U.S. has fallen behind China in per capita beer consumption (GASP!). Sure, we’re still #1 when it comes to incarceration rates, but we’re only fifth in executions. No wonder we’re going broke! China, Iran, Iraq and Saudi Arabia are all probably laughing at us that we bother feeding so many prisoners. “Less feedin’ and more bleedin’,” they say. We’re in the top tier of countries when it comes to human trafficking, but you’d never know that because we rank 24th in freedom of the press. AND 59th in percentage of men circumcised, so take that, you putzes! Our infrastructure is ranked 23rd in the world and our health system is ranked 37th, but somehow we’re still number one in gun deaths, so at least we have our priorities straight. In fact, we have the highest death rate for young people in the civilized world, so suck on that Finland! We’re 33rd in educational performance, but how were you supposed to know that? It’s a miracle you can even read! I guess we’re not doing too bad since on the Index of Global Wellbeing we reached #14. Denmark was #1. So the answer is simple: look at what they’re doing right and see what we can incorporate into our . . . aw, fuck it. Let’s just march in there and force them to give us the good life. That’s how we do things around here. U-S-A! U-S-A!

In 1992, before rings and hobbits and giant apes, Peter Jackson gave us the Sumatran Rat Monkey (TM). This adorable critter put the bite on an over-baring mother and, next thing you know, we get Dead Alive! This is one of the few truly Great Intentionally Bad Movies, and it is an over-the-top slop-o-rama. The S.R.M. (as he’s known to his friends) carries one of the nastiest zombie viruses you’ve ever seen, and Mommy Dearest gets a full dose and begins the plague to end all plagues. Pretty soon “Home Sweet Home” becomes zombie central, and it falls to Mommy’s obedient son and his button-cute girlfriend to destroy all dead that walk. Problem is, it takes more than a shot to the head to put these things down . . . you have to liquify them. And you thought a lawn-mower was just for mowing lawns, didn’t you? Don’t miss this one, if you can stomach all the blood, puss, bile, mucous and generalized glop in bucketfuls.

Wanna see the zombie baby fist fight? Myk Lewis dug us up this clip. Dig it!

CLICK HERE to learn about the strange death of Alfalfa! (Big thanks to neatorama.com!)

The Walking Dead – Season 3: A hack-and-slash opener with shocks and surprises. Sadly, still no showers.

American Horror Story Asylum: An amazing cast with almost too much to do . . . plus a unexpected flash of nun-butt.

Beauty and the Beast: A creature this hideous stretches the limits of credulity, and we’re not talking about the “Beast”. How does this shit get on the air!?!

Do you ever wish your family would fuck off? Well, little do you realize that if they ever did, you would immediately become lonely and starving, waiting at the door for them to return like some wretched dog. Please become enlightened by this week’s incipid educational short; Friendship Begins at Home (1949)!

From Skullard’s Postcard Collection: “Bil Mathiason, Double-A Breeder of Chatwich Basset Hounds, here seen in full uniform along with 3-time state champion winner ‘GOOGS’ – the real force behind the enterprise.” If you ever wondered why I didn’t follow my dream of being a Double-A Breeder, now you know . . . I couldn’t afford the uniform. Sadly, I wasted all my funds on dental work.

062 All Out Of Bubble Gum

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For the past several months, What Could Go Wrong? has been acting a little aloof and despondant. It was sad and akward, even around its closest friends. It didn’t go out much, and looked to have lost weight. People were starting to get concerned. Last week, the podcast brightened up! It seemed to be confident again, and everyone figured things were okay. Then suddenly, What Could Go Wrong? disappeared completely, only to be found dead in its bathtub early this morning of self-inflicted wounds. Shockingu! In hind-sight, all the signs were there. Oh well.

In this week’s Bad Movie Review, a man fights another man over who’s going to (or not going to) wear a pair of sunglasses. Either watch this clip of 1988’s They Live or start eating that trash can!

Fringe: The Final Season: The team fights against the oppression of the Observers, or the Viewers, depending on who you ask. This could also be titled “Fringe: The Unnecessary Season”.

666 Park Avenue: Terry O’Quinn and Vanessa Williams play the Devil and his wife in a swanky New York apartment building. “Calling Doctor Faust. Doctor Faust to the creepy basement, please.”

Once Upon A Time: “What? Disney’s going to let us use their characters in a drama series? And we get all the money we want for production? Time to go ape-shit, boys!”

Arrow: One of DC’s least known heroes gets his own Batman-esque live action series. And introducing the most effective, high-tech identity protection disguise yet . . . the hoodie.

Today’s bonus educational short, How Do You Do (1946) reminds young people that the only way to make friends and get ahead in life is by being insanely polite every moment of every day. Shake hands, motherfuckers! I mean, shake hands, PLEASE, motherfuckers, sirs. Thank you.

From Skullard’s Postcard Collection: “You want this? You want? C’mon . . . that’s right, this way. C’mon, just a little further. That’s right, over that line there. Keep coming. You know you want this, right? Good, good, keep moving this way. Oh, don’t mind him, he just didn’t want it as much as you do. Just step over him and keep moving this way. Thaaaaaaaat’s right. Oh, you’re so close! You’re almost getting it. Oops, another line there . . . just step over that, and . . . good, you’re getting the hang of it now. Now, c’mon, a little more. That’s it. Further . . . this way . . . this is what you want, right? See it? It’s right here. It’s all for you. C’mon now, it’s all yours . . . just a little further . . .”

061 Plucky

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If there’s one word that describes us, it’s plucky. We’ve got spunk, we do! No matter what the difficulties or dangers, we sally forth and soldier on. Our gritty determination has seen us through countless trials and travails, emerging through the mists of woe with spirited grins on our feisty faces. No challenge can match our bold ganbatte attitude. “We are never give up!” as the song says. There is nothing . . . NOTHING that can hold us down!

Except maybe a cold. That’s a bit much. Geez, cut us a little slack, would ya?

2003’s Love Object is not a bad little creep-out if you enjoy a bit of depraved nebbish in your psycho-killer. Poor Kenneth is such a dweeb. How’s a dweeb-cicle like him ever going to get a date? Here’s an idea: save all the money that isn’t spent on romantic dinners, weekend getaways, flowers, candy and all that other stuff and spend it all at once to buy an anatomically accurate silicone sex doll. Now we’re talkin’! Nikki the Doll doesn’t care if Kenneth is a dweeb, just so long as he dresses her nice and uses a good antiseptic to wipe her down afterwards. But wait, what if spending time with Nikki improves Kenneth’s confidence and he isn’t such a dweeb anymore? What if Kenneth was only practicing on Nikki so that he could get together with Lisa? Nikki doesn’t like that. No, Nikki doesn’t like that at all. Maybe Nikki wants her dweeb back and will do anything to keep him all to her ball-jointed self. Luka, quite the doll herself, gives this dating sim a Good Unintentionally Bad Movie rating. Here’s a quick look:

What makes Love Object such a creepy flick is that RealDolls actually exist! Google it if you want, but don’t do it at work. Rip Torn might kick your ass.

Mark Wayne Williams, the Batman of Petoskey, in all his costumed glory. There are plenty of pictures available of the man behind the cowl, but let’s just remember him this way, shall we?

Yes, by gawd, there IS a Global Strategic Maple Syrup Reserve being heavily guarded somewhere in Quebec. Rest assured.

Red Dwarf X: The Boys from the Dwarf are back, baby!

Elementary: “Ooo, my dear Watson!”

Brickleberry: It lost us right after the Parkinsons/handjob joke. No, we didn’t make that up.

Last Resort: this show should only be watched as one.

Revolution: A thinly veiled NRA wet dream without a single character to cheer for. So, what, we cheer for the guns?

The Mob Doctor: “Feeling plucky, punk?”

How should one behave on a date? Where should you go? What kind of fun should you have? At the end of the evening, should you shake a girl’s hand, ignore her completely, or lunge at her lustfully? Please find the answers by viewing this week’s educational short: Dating Dos and Don’ts (1949)!

From Skullard’s Postcard Collection: Remember back in the old days before Match.com and RealDolls? How did anyone find that perfect person before the internet connected far-flung souls? There were plenty of matchmakers and dating services, not to mention well-intentioned friends that could arrange blind dates. Did any of these things work? Well, let’s see: take a look at your parents. They happy? Y’know what, I’ll stick with the internet, thank you.

And, for no reason at all, plucky duckies!

060 Seven Inch Long Monkey

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Growing up, you may have heard a parent exclaim, “Stop that! That’s disgusting! What if the Queen showed up and saw you doing that?” That was the secular version of, “What if Christ returned and you were doing that?” Such hypotheticals were meant to instill shame into awkward, misbehaving children. More often than not, though, what got instilled was a paranoia towards the sudden injection of royalty or deity into our daily lives. How’s a kid supposed to relax when at any moment a British monarch could pull the coach up out front, walk in the front door and start judging the children? How does a child deal with the anxiety over the very real chance that Jesus will descend through the clouds, gather His faithful and take them with Him to paradise while that child is busy on the toilet? Jesus isn’t going to interrupt; He isn’t rude, but that means the kid misses the Rapture! What would happen if Christ returned AND the Queen showed up? What’s the protocol? “I’m sorry, Your Majesty, I’d love to give you tea, but I didn’t know you were coming, am all out of tea, don’t even own a teapot, and as it turns out I have to rush to claim my eternal reward. So very sorry, Mum, but perhaps we can continue this up in heaven? What’s that Jesus? She’s not . . . oh, now, this IS awkward.”

This week’s Bad Movie Review is about May (2002), a lonely young girl whose mother instilled no small amount of shame and awkwardness of her own. May is a girl with a lazy eye which makes her feel shy and isolated growing up. Her mother uses that isolation to abuse and control the little girl so that by the time May is a young woman, she’s one messed up bowl of rigatoni. She’s really no good at making friends, but she decides if she could make just one friend, one perfect friend, that would be enough. Sadly for her eventual victims, May subscribes to the ala carte school of “making a friend”: take a little from column A, a little from column B, do some creative stitching and viola, a new friend, custom to order. Luka gives this psycho/horror a Pretty Good Unintentionally Bad Movie rating, due to the fact once the killing starts things get a bit silly. Really, a girl Luka’s size is going to slice and dice grown adults with scalpels and scissors? Luka can’t even open a jar of pasta sauce let alone sever Skullard’s spinal column. Not for lack of trying. To open the jar, of course.

Is that a monkey in your pants? This Slender Loris is the same primate that some sub-primates were caught trying to smuggle in this week’s news segment. No, wait, they weren’t trying to smuggle it in the segment, but in a guy’s underwear. The jerk was caught, but hopefully not before some Slender Loris teethmarks were applied liberally.

In the UK, you can dress in a black body suit and be a “Movie Ninja”, keeping the theatre-going public from chatting and texting. In the US you can get your ass shot dead.

Sinbad is a goofy-ass show, but Elliot Knight has Skullard confused and repeatedly having to assert he’s not gay.

He’s Fat-Nyan, cat-turned-rapper-turned-social commentator. He’s got a message for the young people nyan. We’ll be hearing from him in the future nyan. Prepare yourselves nyan.

Kevin MacLeod provides our music over at incompetec.com. Please check out his amazing output. More than likely, this is a jam that Fat-Nyan will use to lay down his rhymes. Groove on it.

Steve has really been misbehaving. Is he a bad kid, or does he just need stricter parents? Are you thrilled to find out the reason? Are you bored enough to sit through a sixteen minute video from fifty years ago? If you answered yes to either of those questions, please tune in to this week’s redundant educational short: Discipline During Adolescence (1958)!

From Skullard’s Postcard Collection: Why do I have a postcard of the Queen? So I can send it to her, jackass, why do you think? I’m a collector, goddamnit, I don’t ask “why”. Why do I have a postcard of the world’s largest block of cheese? Why do I have a post card of a guy lying dead in the desert? Why do I have a postcard of Dan Quayle? Because I need help, damn you! I need to be stopped! I have no control anymore! I’ve got boxes and boxes . . . where’s it going to end!?! Am I going to end up on Hoarders? Am I going to be found beneath a pile of cardstock or locked away, unshaven, compulsively sorting and resorting pictures of things I never saw myself? And what if the Queen showed up!?!

For the record: Luka never said Skullard was purple.

059 It’s Laminated So It Must Be True

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We don’t have cable. This is a fact that drives our cable company absolutely nuts. We get our phone and internet through the cable company, and it’s not that bad of a deal, but they want us to pay for cable as well.

“What are you doing for TV?” they ask.

“What’s it to you?” we say.

“Well, if you bundle TV along with internet and phone, you can get a special price of $130 a month.”

“And how much for just the internet and phone?”

Pause. “About $74. But that’s before taxes and fees!”

“Add on taxes and fees. What are we looking at?”

Another pause. “$80.”

“Alright then.”

We have AppleTV. We have Netflix. We have Hulu. We have Vudu if we want it, but who the hell ever would? Sure, they do offer us more than 150 channels of commercial-laden reality television, a half dozen sports networks and cooking/travel shows we’d never watch, but being able to watch anything we want whenever we want with no advertisements for stuff we don’t want for less money? Geez! Those poor cable company phone reps. They must know that selling fast internet means they’re undercutting their own cable business. And if we ever find a cheap cell phone plan? “Too slow, Chicken Marengo!” And maybe then, they’ll stop calling.

The Initiation of Sarah (1978 ) is a Lousy Unintentionally Bad Movie, though you wouldn’t think so considering the movie it blatently rips off is pretty good. Remember Stephen King’s Carrie? If you don’t, this movie is more than happy to remind you. Poor Sarah wants to join the posh sorority with her pretty sister where she can forge lifetime friendships, have underwear pillow fights and be molested by drunken frat boys. But, by golly, if those snooty sorority girls don’t turn out to be a gaggle of snooty sorority girls! Aw, dang! And, dag-nabbit, iffin’ those S.S.G.s don’t go and haze Sarah and abuse her and dump filth on her pretty-pretty dress until her heretofore unmanifested telekinetic powers unleash themselves and wreak havok on all and sundary. Yikes! Who could have guessed at such a massacre and copywrite infringement? Luckily, all this means is that you’ve seen this film before done better, so don’t bother. Once again, Luka’s Bad Movie Review is on the job, protecting you from shitty rip-offs, poor production values, and Morgan Fairchild’s nose.

This is a WCGW A.P.B.! You MUST watch this show! You must tell others about this show! You must keep your remote handy to pause and rewind, otherwise you’re going to miss stuff! Find it, watch it, then thank us later. You’re welcome in advance.

Hey Luka! Who’s that at the door?

Look around your crappy school. Do you see anything to be proud of? Win, lose, draw or blah blah blah whatever the fuck? Then please become enraptured by this week’s thrilling educational short, What About School Sprit (1958 )!

From Skullard’s Postcard Collection: “Varsity School Fashons” According to the back of this postcard, we’re gawking at, from left to right, Miss Colliegiate, Miss Varsity and Miss Coed. Now, I just have to say that I don’t remember Miss Coed wearing that tiara in any of those videos I have. I can’t remember for sure if that’s the same skirt, but she was definitely lifting it several times. Miss Colliegiate may be a bit gauche for Home Economics class with those sequins, but at least she knows to accessorize with white boots like everyone else. And good ol’ Miss Varsity always has those white gloves on hand, as it were, to be handy with the boys on the varsity squad, as it were. Gosh, but the sight of these School Fashions bring back memories of my high school days . . . girls looking elsewhere and smiling at someone other than me. Ah well, them legs are too chunky anyways . . . *grumble-grumble-mutter-isolate-brood-fester-masturbate*