Category Archives: television

052 Watch Out For Snakes

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The dating site eHarmony now offers a free app to its customers that will generate a fake emergency call to your smart phone in order to give you an excuse to bail from a bad date. The Bad Date Rescue app is designed to get you out of an awkward, go-nowhere situation that eHarmony was all-too-happy to get you into. Bad connections through dating services are only one of the many horror stories you hear about when the internet and relationships intersect. There are worse things that happen, and we’re sure you can come up with at least five stories you know personally before even bringing up Chatroulette. But even though on-line relationships often end in What Could Go Wrong? style stories that would make Cupid pack away his bow and retire to a life of monastic repentance, this week we celebrate an internet meeting that went very, very right. Eleven years of What Went Right! to be exact.

This week’s Bad Movie Review hurls us like a big rock back to 1962 and the dune-buggy epic Eegah! This Lousey Unintentionally Bad Movie was meant to be a spring board to fame for Arch Hall Sr.’s rat-faced rockabilly son who stumbles through the production lip-synching to off key numbers and fumbling with his instrument like a chimp playing Guitar Hero. And his acting is about as wooden as Eegah’s club. But since boy wonder needed a chick to play against, Hall hired his own girlfriend to be the film’s love interest. Nothing creepy there. Unfortunately for Mr. Hall, he didn’t have a brother-in-law he could cast as a 7’2” giant caveman, so he had to go outside the family and hire the great (in stature) Richard Kiel. Kiel plays Eegah as a creature so removed from modern civilization that he thinks a bouquet of flowers and a freshly killed rabbit will convince any trollop you take to your cave to let you cop a feel. Silly caveman, this tramp’s for the kid! What develops is the classic love triangle between a dweeb with an outrageous haircut, a huge guy with a fake beard, and the floosy who’s sleeping with the guy who plays “Daddy”. It’s like if Shakespeare would have written King Kong . . . only terribly, terribly worse.

Meet the best parts of Tonee Walker, a.k.a. The Buxom Bandit, who turned herself in this week to authorities on advice from her lawyer/agent.

If only we could be at Comic Con. Hello Kitty is there cosplaying!

In this week’s educational short, a mean sexist is forced to ponder why he hates hiring women. Dang females, always getting married and pregant and asking questions and stuff! Please tolerate The Trouble With Women (1959);

From Skullard’s Postcard Collection: In the days when I was courting Luka, I wanted to show her what a stylin’, with-it guy I was. So I sent her this postcard. She never stood a chance, did she?

051 No Time For A Reflex Save

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Psssst! Hey bud . . . c’mere. Pardon me fer sayin’ so, but youse strikes me as a poyson of taste. Ya knowse, refinement, right? Somebody who wants da best onna counta youse desoive it, right? Youse know what I’m sayin’? It ain’t jus’ anybodies whut walks down dis alley dat I’m gonna accost. What’s dat? I meant “assist.” I’m gonna assist youse, right, onna counta I can tell jus’ by lookin’ at yuhz dat youse a poyson whut don’ settle fer anyt’ing less den da top of da line. Now lookit here whut I gots fer yuhz . . . youse ever seen sumpin’ dat nice? Lookit dat. Dat dere is whut youse call yer podcast. Sure, youse hoid about dem t’ings, right, dem podcasts? Well, I gots one right here, an’ let me tell youse my friend, youse ain’t gonna find a finer one in any back alley of de innernet or any uptown iTooners fancy-schmancy shop eeder. Dis is da goods, yuhz see whut I’m tawkin’ about? Yeah, dis is da one youse want, and if I’m lyin’ I’m dyin’. No kiddin’ bud, youse stick dis in youse iPodder dere an’ youse ain’t gonna believe whut comes out. Sure, kid, dis is da show fer youse. Take my woid fer it. C’mon . . . What Could Go Wrong?

Maximum Overdrive (1986) has got to be pulling your leg. This was a serious movie? Apparently they tried playing it straight, but damn! All the machines wise up and rise up at the same time to rebel against their creator overlords, also known as us. Everything ever made by our clever little hands now wants to bite, slice, crush, smash or grind those hands off. What the hell did we do? Turns out it’s nothing we did; comets are a bad influence on normally well-behaved inanimate objects. Peer pressure, right? So, if you want to survive the revolt of the machines, the place you want to be is an overly-armed truck stop where Emilio Estavez pumps gas and schtups hitch-hikers like a hero. Sorry Mr. Bible Salesman, but you’re no match for the 80’s macho machine that is Charlie’s brother. Shitty lines, goofy effects, cardboard characters and period hairstyles all collide to make this crappy horror/action flick a Good Unintentionally Bad Movie. Luka loves it for the lulz, and Skullard liked the soundtrack so much, he bought the album.

Thomas Daigle picked up pennies whenever he saw one and took them home. He just paid off that same home with those very pennies, making his final morgage payment with 800 pounds of shiney Lincolns. He’s taken “Every penny counts” to a whole new level.

The cops were called in to calm down an out of control bachelorette party and nearly became party favors themselves as the “ladies” tried to pull off their uniforms. What’s more amazing: that this policeman was mistaken for a stripper or that this woman with the shower curtain on her head is going to be a bride?

In this week’s bonus educational short, a husband and wife learn to ignore the many stresses of life such as work, children, and each other. Please learn to take it easy by viewing The Relaxed Wife (1957).

Lefty gives Ernie the pitch. One of our all-time favorite Joe Raposo numbers from Sesame Street.

And when you’re sitting back, enjoying the O you’ve purchased, take it easy with a soothing bit of music from Kevin MacLeod.

From Skullard’s Postcard Collection: It’s the 1939 model from International Harvester. Had this mother still been around for Maximum Overdrive, it would have reaped a bloody harvest indeed. Then again, all that splatter of human gore would have clashed like hell with such a snazzy green paint job. Besides, this old friendly guy probably would have used it’s animated free will to give hay rides to orphans and deliver Meals On Wheels ™ to the poor and indigent. It was just that kind of truck.

048 Bake Sale

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What the hell’s with all the bears? There’s Smokey and Teddy, Fozzie and Yogi. There’s the Three Bears, the Berenstain Bears, the Care Bears, Gummi Bears and the Hair Bear Bunch. There’s a Sugar Bear, a Pooh Bear, a Briar Bear, Little Bear and the Bear Country Jamboree. Everyone has their favorite, but probably not Teddy Ruxpin. Skullard’s favorite is the one from The 13 and a Half Lives of Captain Bluebear. That bear is a pirate bear, which means there’s probably a ninja bear out there somewhere, but we’re too lazy to Google for it. What’s with all this bear-love? (A term we advise you NOT to Google, by the way.) What’s this human fascination with huge-ass creatures that can rip us in half? Why do we want to turn them into cute little sweeties that want to sell us dryer sheets, root beer, Coca Cola and butt wipes? Those hairy fuckers are lethal; they’re not all Gentle Ben. Stop cozying up to these bears, and if you’re Russian, stop keeping them in your bars and serving them drinks. Sure, it’s SO hilarious to watch a massive ursine brute get slowly bent on vodka, but then what? Then you’ve got a drunk, pissed and probably hungry bear on your hands. Holy shit-in-the-woods, What Could Go Wrong!?!

1988’s Ghost House is a piece of shit. Sorry, there just isn’t any way to sugar coat this turd. An amature radio nerd gets a cry for help from the future, goes to where the signal originated and finds even more shiftless twenty-somethings hanging out in ambiguous relationships. Oh, and there’s a ghost in a house. Specifically, there’s the spirit of a dead girl who killed her parents with the assistance of a clown doll from Hell. How this clown never got mass marketed from the strength of this film, we’ll never know. Luka rates this time-suck as a Lousey Unintentionally Bad Movie, and this film caught her on a decidedly good day.

In this week’s appropriate but pointless educational short, Goldilocks and the Three Bears (1958), the classic fairy tale is acted out with a cast of live bears. Don’t worry. The bears are all on fishing lines, so everything’s perfectly safe. What could go wrong?

Once again, here’s a shout-out to the talented Kevin MacLeod over at Incompetec.com. Is it the end of your movie, and your two protagonist who had been separated during the alien battle finally finding each other, locking eyes across the desolated street carnage? As they stumble towards each other, daring to smile, scraping alien muck off their shoulders and forearms, this should be playing as they come face to face, trade a couple of quips, and fall into each other’s arms.

From Skullard’s Postcard Collection: The caption on the back of this one says, “Now who’s after whose porrige?” Gramatically correct, but stupid. There’s only two bears, not three. And the spazz-mo with the fishing rod sure as hell ain’t no Goldilocks. Personally, I hope the bears take a pass on the potato chips and rip into a fresh pack of innards. It would ruin a clean, white t-shirt, but since I don’t know the guy, it would be kinda funny.

047 Properly Sozzled

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Seeing as it’s Memorial Day Weekend, it is only fitting that we take a moment to remember the Titans. “The who,” you ask? You’ve forgotten already and tried to change the subject to classic rock. It won’t work, Buster. The Titans are the ones who clashed and had wrath like Kahn, who was played by Ricardo Montalban who was suave and smooth and had skin like fine Corinthian leather. But this weekend isn’t for watching old Star Trek movies. It’s for remembering all the fallen in the various Star Wars of our past. This is a weekend for honoring their memory by dressing up as a stormtrooper, going to a sci-fi convention, and hoping to get laid by promising to leave the helmet on. NO! If you believe that, you are a fool! This weekend is actually the time to barbeque. The reason we grill meat out of doors is to honor those who sacrificed their lives so that we could have the freedom to char flesh undisturbed by assholes who hover over the shoulder with a beer and say, “You really oughta flip that.” In other words, remember the cows, who beat the Titans with a fieldgoal in overtime. Happy Day Off!

Re-Animator (1985) is a gross-out classic that doesn’t honor the dead so much as use them as comic meat-puppets. According to Luka’s Bad Movie Review (and seriously, who else are you going to trust?), this is a Great Intentionally Bad Movie. The story is pretty much what you would expect: a junior mad scientist moves into some guy’s house, reanimates a dead cat a couple of times to warm up, then moves on to shake things up at the morgue. You know, like you do. Among this film’s many claims to fame, it has the first decapitated oral sex scene. That’s right, this is the film that started it all! Plus, there’s mid-Eighties tits. What more could you want from a gore flick loosely based on some H.P. Lovecraft ideas? Snacks? Dude, this is NOT a movie for snacks. Eat before hand, let it settle, and have a bottle of Pepto on hand so you can enjoy Re-Animator, the cat-batting classic.

In this week’s Bad Movie Review, Luka and Skullard explore 1985’s Re-Animator; a film as much based on H.P. Lovecraft as it is on real science.

A wretchedly unpopular girl named Marion’s entire future happiness depends on whether or not she’ll being invited to party. Will she? The answer will surprise and depress you! Please shed bitter tears over this week’s bonus educational short: Social Acceptability (1957).

Alchemy Divine is an Etsy shop with beautiful handmade jewelry and snazzy cool things. Click this link and check ’em out! You’ll be surprised at what you find.

We’re always talking about Kevin MacLeod at incompetech.com and you’re always hearing his music in our podcast. Here’s a little taste. The next time you’re chasing orcs through a forest with your battle axe in hand, here’s a handy tune to hum in your head!

From Skullard’s Postcard Collection: Is it just me, or do these cows look properly sozzled? Damned alcoholic cows. Still, they beat the Titans in overtime.

046 All You Can Eat

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Are you hungry, dear listener? Well, sit right down! How about a plate of fried fish? Or maybe a crunchy bag of tortillias? Perhaps a nice shiny diamond? Nah… we know what you have a taste for. You’d like a big, heaping helping of What Could Go Wrong! We’ve got all you can eat!

This week in the news, an old man would rather die than pay his bill at a strip club, a couple of thieves leave behind some odd evidence at crimes scenes while another chooses to conceal evidence in his own stomach. A pot-happy Walmart customer is attacked by a snake, a crashed truck full of yogurt spills all over, and Canadian children are denied the chance to view a rather enlightening museum exhibit. Also, city trash collectors prove to be kind and helpful, a loud-mouthed fatty loudly proclaims his greed outside a restaurant, and an old man and a tree end their beautiful friendship on a happy note.

Mirrors came out in 2008 to give Keifer Sutherland a bit of a break from playing Jack Bauer after seven consecutive seasons of 24 in a row. If only he would have taken that break. Fans of 24 received more of the same as Keifer ranted, yelled, shot, threatened and chewed the scenery in a very Jacky manner. Sutherland plays Ben Carson, a down on his luck ex-cop who has to protect his children, his wife and her boobs from supernatural threats from the other side of the looking glass. He thrashes around, cries, scares his young children, vandalizes, brow-beats polite hillbillies, points his gun at a nun and this is our hero? What’s with all the aggression, man? Everybody is so helpful to this guy and he’s just so rude. But even with such a distinct lack of manners, Luka’s Bad Movie Review scores this cookie-cutter spook-romp a Pretty Good Unintentionally Bad Movie. It might have scored better if the guy who played the “Chloe” part hadn’t been such a milquetoast schmuck.

Bill Wisth is a 6’6″, 350lb asshole. When this fat fucker wasn’t full after twenty pieces of fish, he was cut off due to the fact that the restaurant (as well as the ocean) was running out of seafood. Enraged by this, Bill heaved his hefty frame off the chair and into the parking-lot with a poorly made protest sign. We suspect that he’ll take a bite out of it eventually.

Frank Knight and “Herbie”, now together forever. Yes, we can do sweet stories too.
(AP/Steven Senne, File)

Alchemy Divine is an Etsy shop with beautiful handmade jewelry and snazzy cool things. Click this link and check ’em out! You’ll be surprised at what you find.

Remember kids, proper hygiene is important! That’s why your hideous Fairy Godmother is going to teach you Care of the Hair And Nails (1951).

From Skullard’s Postcard Collection: A compelling ad for “Big Daddy’s Drive In”, where they specialize in take-out orders, tray service to your car, turning fries into charcoal, chicken skin, using pickles for garnish and trying to pass off a hamburger bun as garlic bread. Mmmm! And don’t forget the Fry-Day Nite Fish Fry. All you can eat, unless you’re a 6′ 6″, 350 lbs deadbeat that doesn’t even realize he’s the town’s charity case. Chow down!

044 Most Rum Indeed

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Ah, vacation time! Luka and Skullard have earned a full week away from toil at the button factory, and now they shall fill their days with play and relaxation. Or will they? Perhaps instead of jovial trips to the zoo, they will battle their animal-like neighbors for hallway domination. The plan is to take a drive to the Mall of America, but perhaps they’ll end up at the Canadian border fending off an incursion of rabid nutria. They’re hoping to catch a matinee of The Avengers, but who knows? Perhaps it is you, dear listener, who will be the one to avenge L&S after they are unjustly accused of grand larceny, criminal malfeasance, and reckless endangerment of a minor (long story . . . the kid had it coming). The simple truth is, anything could happen during this intended week of leisure to turn it into a flaming week of doom. We don’t expect flaming doom; we plan on fuzzy kittens, cupcakes, joyful singing and balloons! What Could Go Wrong?

Carnival of Souls is a 1962 horror classic. “Classic” in the sense that it’s old and a lot have people have seen it, like Skullard’s grandmother’s tits are “classic”. That doesn’t necessarily mean you’re going to run out and recommend either to your friends. Luka’s Bad Movie Review gives this film two ratings: if it’s a horror film, it’s a Lousy Unintentionally Bad Movie; if it’s an art film, it’s a Pretty Good Unintentionally Bad Movie. So how good it is depends on your intentions in watching, which can be said for Skullard’s grandmother as well. Skullard’s grandmother is not the lead actress in this movie, but if she was, you might care more about the story. This lady walks away from a car wreck and begins seeing apparitions. She also plays the pipe organ a lot. You can decide which prospect is scarier. She also becomes fixated on an abandoned dance hall, perhaps because just before the car she was in plummeted from the bridge into the muddy river water below, the Kinks “Come Dancing” was playing on the radio. Sadly, Carnival of Souls isn’t the kind of carnival where you can find over-priced food booths or rigged midway games, but you do end up coming away from this film feeling ripped off.

Ah, yes. Canival of Souls! It may sound like a rip-roaring metaphysical ride on the midway, but alas. It’s really not. On the plus side, though, it doesn’t contain a couple of thrilling scenes.
Such as when Mary and her friends drag race. Wow! Action!

Or when Mary plays the chruch organ. Brilliant! Sinful!

Why leave your child in the care of strangers, when there are grandparents to watch the kid? What Could Go Wrong, right?

Skullard turned 44 this last week, and in his view you can never have too much cake. Especially with this one.

Sweetie and Gao are tuning up Sweet Pea, Skullard’s super-cute mandolin.

In this week’s bonus educational short; Cheating (1952), we ask important questions. Is copying off someone’s test paper really worth getting caught? IS IT? Please tune in and discover the answer!

From Skullard’s Postcard Collection: on the flip-side, it reads, “Sponsored by the Non-Illusionist Society”. What, you think I’m going to be happier without my illusions? Are you nuts? If I could see the world clearly as it really is, I’d be hiding in my closet, rocking back and forth and sobbing, not happier. Let me have my fantasies, and I’ll let you go on believing that’s a sharp haircut you got there, buddy.

The nutria . . . ARE COMING!!!

043 Dull And Boring

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Ah, the romance of riding the rails! Whether it’s losing a foot while attempting to hop a flatcar or taking a friendly truncheon from a bull, nothing beats the freedom of America’s rail system. High-speed rail? Who’s in that kind of hurry? Ho-Bo, Ho-Bo, a transient’s life for me! And what better time is there to listen to a podcast on the mp3 player that little girl dropped while running in fear than when you’re watching the country side roll by from an open boxcar door. So steal that sleeping guy’s coat, roll him off into the ravine, open up that cold can of chili you nicked from the convenience store, and settle in for a life-affirming hour of What Could Go Wrong? It’s what freedom-loving Americans do!

Choo-choo!

Last week we had a bad movie from L.A. Law alum Corbin Bernsen, so this week Luka follows that with another member of that previously distinguished cast playing a nutter health professional. Larry Drake is Dr. Giggles (1992), who’s not a real doctor, but he plays one in your house. There’s nothing like a homicidal freak escaping from the loony bin with a doctor’s bag and a white coat to spice up an otherwise drab weekend. The maniacal faux-doc slashes his way through a small town’s inventory of loose-moral teens with Freddy-esque wise cracks and various medical implements. But as charming as that all sounds, it only rates a Lousy Unintentionally Bad Movie rating from our Luka, who’s Canadian and has higher expectations for health care professionals.

In 1895, a somewhat terrible train crash took place at Gare Montparnasse in Paris, France. Of the 131 passengers, only two were injured. A woman in the street below was struck dead by falling wreckage! The accident took place due to a faulty break and human incompetence. On the plus side, it makes for a rather impressive photo!

Do you enjoy staring at an easily amused child, an array of toy trains, and a cast of hideous marionettes? Most certainly you do! You shall have a wonderful time with this week’s short; The Wonderful World Of Trains (1960)!

From Skullard’s Postcard Collection: Not only are trains useful and fascinating, but they can offer you important life advice. FRIEND! Please read this postcard and spiritually profit from its wisdom!
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041 That Was Totally Uncalled For

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Today’s podcast was brought to you by Alan, the internet repair guy. In true What Could Go Wrong? fashion, just as soon as we finish the show, our internet goes kablooie. Luckily, there are guys like Alan who can climb utility poles in the pouring rain, risking life and limb so that we can continue to blather to an uncaring world and have uninterrupted access to porn. So this episode is dedicated to him, and his ability to show up on time, get right to work, and not trying to engage us in any small talk because who cares about anything he has to say? If he wants to be all chatty, let him start his own podcast. Or maybe he has friends he can talk to. That must be cool. He looked like the kind of guy who showers, so it isn’t out of the question. Good for him. Yay Alan!

This week’s Bad Movie Review takes the listener down the fetid, nasty spiral that is Killer Klowns From Outer Space (1988 ). Perhaps the most frightening thing this movie has to offer is all the 80’s hair, but if feathered bangs and soft perms aren’t scary enough, there’s popcorn guns and balloon animals. Death by comedy is a sadly under-explored genre, but this film doesn’t do enough to fill that aching need inside you for killer slapstick. Instead, you get latex masks; fun in moderation, but irritating when overused. Here’s Luka’s advice about this Kinda Lousey Intentionally Bad Movie: just watch the trailer. It spoils everything, and just about all the good bits are included. Save yourself time and heartache, unless you really have a thing for clowns. Or klowns.

http://youtu.be/fHXy8DpF5k0

Beware world travelers bearing gifts . . .

From Skullard’s Postcard Collection:

Yo Steve! When you gonna join me down at OGFC?

Occupy Gus’ Fried Chicken? C’mon, bird, you know I ain’t into that.

I’m down there mic checkin’ every damn day, and I ain’t got nobody backin’ me up.

Give it up, Herschel. You need to drop that shit and find yourself some hos and get roostin’.

They’re called “hens”, Steve. Have some respect for the sisters.

Bird, you need to get laid.

Your mama laid you.

What the fu- . . . ah, shit. Yeah, that’s right. That’s deep, brother.

Word, bird.

Are you growing up? Are you facing difficult emotional setbacks, like losing a sword-fight, or seeing your boyfriend out on a date with his sister? Toward Emotional Maturity (1954) will provide you with important advice!

Behold the perfect berry. It is wonderous, and worthy of praise.

040 There’s Wonder Everywhere

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Our podcast went unexpectedly dead for a week, but here we are, resurrected. And does anyone buy us lilys? Are delightful, mythic forrest creatures hiding painted eggs for undeserving children in our honor? Hellz no! We’re amazed you noticed. Hey, nobody’s asking for the retooling of ancient pagan holidays, but a little attention maybe? Jesus come back from the dead and He gets contatas and a huge boost in church attendence. What do we get? Half-price “Day After Easter” candy, if we can beat the other cheepos to the Target. Either life-after-death isn’t fair, or that Messiah guy has one hell of an agent.

These last two weeks had so much earth-shaking news going on that we just had to ignore all of it. Instead, as we recouperated by drinking various juice admixtures, we parked ourselves in front of the idiot box. As it turns out, it was a pretty good time to have our eyes glued to the boob tube. We let you know all that has ended, all that has begun and all that is continuing in our weekly television consumption. We sure are able to watch a lot of TV for a household that doesn’t have cable. Funny that.

In 1976, Mick and Geri got together. No, not Mick Jagger and Jerry Hall. You’re thinking of 1977 and the proper spelling of “Jerry”. The Mick we’re talking about is a nebbish with an antique hobby and our Geri is the town bicycle with a nebbish-fetish. These two winners go back to Geri’s hometown to bump uglies which turns out to be a mistake because the town’s earthworm population has been electrified! No, this doesn’t turn into an adult-video parody of “How To Eat Fried Worms”, because for some reason electricity empowers earthworms (the old EEE principal). Super-wriggling worms are mass-attacking innocent hillbillies, leaving nothing behind but skeletons that can be sold to pawn shops for cash money. Hooray! And if wormageddon wasn’t enough to ruin the young lovers’ date, Roger, who has a hankerin’ for Geri’s various wormholes, just happens to own a worm farm with 100,000 worms! Oooo-whee, it’s a muddy, slimey love triangle in the heart of inbred, redneck stereotype America! How’s it going to turn out? Well, you can either subject yourself to watching Squirm, or listen to Luka’s Bad Movie Review of this Unintentionally Bad Awful Movie. Or you can go eat worms for all we care.

Here’s a police artist sketch of the Shirime, taken from an “eye-witness” account.

The Snakehead fish (a.k.a. the fish from hell) is currently plaguing Maryland’s ecosystem. The state is offering $200 gift cards to anyone who can kill one of these monsters that can survive up to four days on land and has teeth that can bite through a steel-toe boot. One fisherman, who caught seven of them, said he had to finish them off with his gun. And people are making horror movies about earthworms!?!

From Skullard’s Postcard Collection: maybe you fancy-pants yankees have some meager rabbit hiding your holiday eggs, but not ’round these parts. Around here, we got us the Easter Jackalope!

Hey, what are friends, anyway? Is it good to have friends? Can classmates be friends? Can a little girl be a friend? Can and old man be a friend? Can the little girl and the old man be friends, too? Wait, what? Please enjoy this week’s educational short; The Fun of Making Friends (1950)!

. . . and for some reason, Guam.